Love Fiercely

Same road new faces..

2012-01-29T18:09:00.000-06:00

Yup....

Kinda know that feeling, where God just dredges up my most basic of fears..... and then asks me ...."Do You Trust Me?"

........................... Just where would i go, since it's more than apparent that YOU hold the words of life.....???

Holding onto Hope in the Process. Congregational response............. "Lord, have mercy"

Sh*t Austinites Say

2012-01-20T14:19:00.000-06:00

"yeah after 911 i had to get outta Brooklyn". -

A friend sent this to me and i couldn't stop laughing for at least 15 min.

Sinead O'Connor - This is a Rebel Song

2012-01-18T07:06:00.000-06:00

This song and its English-Irish metaphor just haunted me this morning. That call of the Irish to be seen and welcomed, rather than cast off; the call for reconciling of hearts. (Thanks Padraig O Tuama for posting on face book .... ) Rebel Love............ it's also a Fierce Love.

***

I've been asked recently, about why i post random stuff on this blog..... I was a bit put off, as MOST the stuff i put up are things that just Radomly "trip my trigger" in some way; it happens to be the point of a blog. It's a diary. It's a journal. It's a place to flesh out things. It's a stage for laughter and weeping. It's a place to let my spirit soar a bit...

I grew up with an Irish grandmother, who's brogue cut through the house like a sharp knife when she was angry. God i loved that woman! She would slip out information when she was a bit tipsy, so i had learned of her love of England, in her mind; was unrequited.

So here are the lyrics.....

I love you my hard Englishman
Your rage is like a fist in my womb
Can't you forgive what you think I've done
And love me - I'm your woman
And I desire you my hard Englishman
And there is no more natural thing
So why should I not get loving
Don't be cold Englishman

How come you've never said you loved me
In all the time you've known me
How come you never say you're sorry
And I do

Ah, please talk to me Englishman
What good will shutting me out get done
Meanwhile crazies are killing our sons
Oh listen - Englishman
I've honored you - hard Englishman
Now I am calling your heart to my own
Oh let glorious love be done
Be truthful - Englishman

How come you've never said you loved me
In all the time you've known me
How come you never say you're sorry
And I do
I do

Selah..... the only one that got it in my mind......... on the selah point. ENJOY........ perhaps.

2012-01-12T00:07:00.000-06:00

get to keep both your ears... is important in music- Shelia Walsh and Rich Mullins.

2011-12-30T00:35:00.000-06:00

i love how he gets the scribble!

i love how she gets "then we get to keep both our ears".

both of which had breakdowns... that were break - thru's - thanks for the reminder on how to keep it freak'in real.

Rich Mullins Concert Part #5

2011-12-30T00:00:00.000-06:00

I see why - "God is right and why the rest of us are just guessing!" - i so get Rich in this vid.

in an 80's retro mode... Vega rocks.

2011-12-29T23:47:00.001-06:00

been think'in on how there were some really profound women that were a staple for my musical diet. - rich food.

to battles well fought....

2011-12-29T23:26:00.000-06:00

in all the retrospect over this year... i guess this is a prayer for the fallen....

since the enemy wages war against our hearts and souls as well.................

this is a salute in the spirit...... for battles well fought.

for all of you that have "laid down their lives for a brother"...... there is no greater love. -

rest well in that awareness.

xocat

God with Skin on

2011-12-29T14:35:00.001-06:00

So it’s the end of this year and i’m in the big process mode on many matters. It would be so nice to be able to compartmentalize things into simple, straight forward, very square boxes. Unfortunately, this is not how my brain operates.

I had a dream the other night in which i was being chased by 4 very bad dudes that wanted to do me harm. (i’m so minimizing in that previous sentence ... but that’s because i don’t want to give it that much power) Then when it finally looked like i was about to be “eliminated”; would be the operative word, a dear friend showed up in the dream.... and really SHOWED UP... with love, authority and skill........................ I felt the rush of Angels come into the dream and pull me out. (as though i was in another dimension) -

All pretty cool on some levels in retrospect... (but during it was an entirely different matter)- and that is the really short version without trying to sacrifice accuracy for brevity.

I was terrified. I’ve not run like that in a dream since i was a child.

There is enough symbology in the dream to sink the titanic to say the least.

Unpacking it from a strategical tactical level, soul-emotion level as well as practical spiritual level is always the long SELAH.

I use the term “practical spiritual level” in it’s most basic and functional meaning. We tend to look at “spiritual” in superlatives; which granted ARE amazing.

My basic “feeling” in the dream was fear..... so what basic & practical levels can i deal with it through the Spirit. “Perfect love casts out fear”. In the dream, i had resigned myself that i was about to be taken out, if something didn’t have to happen pretty quickly. Then a friend showed up, and i was actually surprised for a second, because, not only was it one of my most extraordinary friends, but they showed up for me. I had to look back on it and wonder .... “why was i surprised that they showed up for me, when i know their character and their love for me?”

oh, big duh....

Since i know my friends aren’t perfect, hence, not being able to love perfectly it always takes me by surprised when i see His perfect love working through them; or ME in that matter!

I’m so glad God consistently understands my heart, for it give me grace to understand my heart’s fears, pains, joys and hopes; therefore extending that to others as well.

One of my biggest fears is abandonment. Yes, it’s been there since a child, so it’s hard to shift an emotional imprint in soul DNA -if i may use that term; since some of that was effecting/affecting me IN uterine. What i can do now is see that for what it was then and now how it tends to creeps back in to mess with my head.

I’ve gotten hit by that pretty hard these past few months.

I’m not too surprised that i would have a dream such as i did the other night.

I think abandonment is one of the most basic of fears on a primary survival level. As babies and children our survival depends on another and if that other is removed or leaves; it can have devastating effects.

Piaget’s “object permanence” theory is a good humanistic example of how we operate.

“Jean Piaget argued that object permanence is one of an infant's most important accomplishments, as without this concept, objects would have no separate, permanent existence. In Piaget's theory of cognitive development infants develop this understanding by the end of the "sensorimotor stage," which lasts from birth to about 2 years of age. Piaget thought that an infant's perception and understanding of the world depended on their motor development, which was required for the infant to link visual, tactile and motor representations of objects. According to this view, it is through touching and handling objects that infants develop object permanence.” wiki

So MY dilemma with the deeper issue of “Abandonment by God”, stems into of the lack of visual, tactile and motor aspects of His Presence. The closest i come to the deep sensory integration pressure that is required to still my often wrest-less soul is only when i sense His Kabod; which is Hebrew word for weight or heaviness of God.

Sensory integration and motor development is such an issue. Being sensitive to His leading Spirit and His Word to be able to mitigated all the fluxing and swirling of the emotional and physical world around us. Then being activated to MOVE with Him as “a cloud by day and a fire by night.”

To remember in all my fears, that He is permanency incarnate; but also shows up in daily human form to touch and lay hands to what is needed.

Thank you God that “surely your arm is not short.”

selah,
Cathryn

Joni Mitchell-Blue (Documentary)

2011-12-15T01:39:00.000-06:00

it isn't vague......................... that about sums a lot of it up. xocat

Bethlehemian Rhapsody

2011-12-13T20:16:00.000-06:00

Selah on Shana

2011-11-18T16:16:00.001-06:00

Had to do something really hard today- my sweet-- o’so sweet girl Selah went to go hang out in the celestial realm.

I don’t really care about the “theology” factor here... if there are living creatures around the throne, i know she’s hanging out somewhere THERE... and i hope she greets me at the gate when i do go home.

But it’s time to tell a story about how she came into my life.

I was going thru a really hard time back then- my church home was falling apart, i was in the middle of divorce and i was trying to keep my head above water, at least not kill myself!- (i’m so not joking)

I awoke that morning and felt the Lord say... “I’m giving you a dog today.” Pretty random, even for HIM i might add....

So i went about the things i had to do and even stopped at the “pound” to see if she was there. (no gut feeling and i left, still wondering if i had heard Him clearly)

I was on my way to treat a little girl for a home visit and as i passed a “Gun Shop”- i heard the Lord say, “make a right”. I thought.. huh?

So i passed the first driveway... and then i heard Him say it again.

I shrugged and thought, perhaps i can get a Glock! So i went in... and there were 2 dogs in a kennel.. with a sign that said “free dogs”. My immediate wise-arse-isms to my Abba was... “ok, i heard single NOT plural God” HE said, “the one that is left is yours.”

Well, the next thing i knew i was playing with her, and there was a woman on the phone with her husband asking if she could have them both... (her hubby said, no - only one... so she took the male)

I didn’t want her to feel the abandonment of her brother, so before i could even think, i said... “i’ll take her”.

Her name was “Shay”... and she sat on my lap as i drove “home”, which was a house i just rented with 2 girlfriends.

The entire ride, i was hearing the word “SHANA” and i thought, “wow, that’s a lot like her name, but why are you changing it Lord?- not even sure it was the Lord at that moment...

So sure enough, got her home, and my girlfriend Lisa said, “well, Shana sounds like Selah and she is a ponder! you got her at a gun shop when God said make a right!” So i started calling her Selah.

About a month went by, and she was a handful... lots of energy, very VERY alert to anything around.. and a love bug.

Everyone that saw her said the same thing... “She’s so BEAUTIFUL”.- it was the first thing out of their mouth.

So i was drinking coffee, having a ciggy and reading “israel my glory” magazine... and there in the middle of the page was the word “SHANA”- the same word i heard while driving her home on my lap. I almost dropped my coffee.... because it’s a Yiddish word and it means - “BEAUTIFUL”. Well, there i sat, knowing God even gave me her name... and i missed it... lol! I got her in a very “pondering “ space... (Selah means ponder)-

She would answer to both.... (funny, i’ll still answer to Claudine - my birth given name, but Cathryn is what my Abba calls me.)

God was doing His thang... again! I was in the middle of crap flying thru the fan, my life falling apart and not sure which way was up at that time... and God goes and gives me a gift called “Beautiful”!

She was smart...... really smart... (not always in a good way..lol......) i called her “Houdini” at times, because she could get out of anything...

I then began to realize that she had some “gifts”... She knew when Holy Spirit was present and she knew when the enemy was present. She was my first warning signal when things were gonna get “heated” shall we say....

When ever someone needed ministry, she would do everything, including escaping a long lead chain. (she had a run in the yard)....

One time, she was securely clipped on her run and she started barking... incessantly i might add.. and somehow, the next thing i knew, she was at the back door barking and slamming herself against the glass to get in.

( everyone that was there, knew, that it was basically impossible for that to have happened.) She ran right up to the person that was in the middle of some deep deliverance and started licking their face and then running out the door... again and again, like she was pulling something out.

When it first happened, the person manifested and yelled “i hate that dog!”... it didn’t stop her..... All of us there were a bit gobsmacked.... Afterwards, the person that got “free” just played with her for the next hour... and said, “it was like she was pulling that thing out of me!”-

I can’t explain all of that... just that if God spoke thru Balam’s Ass.... i guess, HE can use a dog in such things as deliverance.

She was always alert to a battle approaching... she was always aware when i was breaking down and crying....

I guess, i would say she was a “rescue dog” of sorts.... shudda put a flask around her neck like those St. Bernard’s!!! (guess i kept that in my car)

But she did rescue me on more than one occasion.

Her love was unconditional... and i think that was part of God’s gift to me in that Beautiful Girl. She never judged, she never was rude, she never depended upon my mood to love me and greet me at the door.

She did have her bouts with temper... she once ATE a COUCH!- (not just a cushion... an entire couch, down to the metal frame that held the pull out bed!)

i had gone away for the weekend, first time i left her for more than 48 hours... she not only ate the couch, she tore down the entire screening of a porch. (and when i got home, promptly ran to my bed, jumped on it and peed right in front of me!)

She got her point across.... she was angry at me and was fearful that i had not taken her with me.... i got the message, and from that point further, i made sure i “told” her where i was going and if i could take her i would.

My favorite memory is when it was the Christmas after i got her. I wanted to get away. Away from a lotta things... So i rented a house on the “outer banks” of North Carolina....

For those of you that don’t know ... it’s a 7 hour + drive... the weather was predicting a NorEaster... but i didn’t care, i like a good storm.

So i took the drive, with snow blasting on my windshield...

The road to the outer banks was just about covered with snow and sand, i couldn’t see really where the road was, i just stayed in this dip/valley of where the road “should be”... for about 4 hours. I finally made it... (had my doubts a few times).

But there she was..... tail wagging... running around my Jeep.... all this energy.

She looked just as stoked by this storm as i was.

So we went on the beach and the waves were huge... and there she was barking at the storm, as if she could push the waves back. Then she started to play tag with the waves... i used to do that as kid.

The house was on the beach... so we went back... put on some music and candles all around - and watched the storm from the deck.

The next morning was brilliant... though the road had been basically washed out by the blowing sand and some of the ocean.

We walked for hours....

i’m sure she’s walking now somewhere really beautiful.

Something strange happened today, as i was writing this....

The phone rang... the number said... 000-000-0000

so i picked it up. There was just silence, then a voice, sounded like “sorta” a computer, but it was a female voice....

it just simply said.... “good-bye”.

I don’t know how... i’m not even gonna try to explain... She died at 12.00pm - the call was at 3:00... somehow, i just know, it was God’s way of letting her say good-bye. Selah.

Love you my ol’girl .... Shana/Selah.

Cathryn

John Mark McMillan - Sheet Of Night

2011-11-01T11:56:00.000-05:00

Nice one John Mark.........

Step Up.

2011-10-23T19:00:00.000-05:00

Watching “Grey’s Anatomy” - THANK GOD FOR NETFLIX RIGHT NOW.

For whatever reason there is comfort in it. I’ve seen so much pain and heartache, and have been through much pain and heartache. Even from early on, having a very traumatic childhood on matters; to working in a field that everyday, i see heartbreaking situations.

I’ve screamed at the heavens.... asking “ARE YOU EVEN THERE- DO YOU SEE THIS STUFF.” I’ve screamed and cried very loudly these last 2 months - too numerous to count.

20 years in health care ... professional distancing and or dissattachment can only go so far, because God made me to feel deeply. Even my dissociation compensatory ability, due to my own trauma history, can only go so far. I understand PTSD all too well. My soul seized and “flat lined” on more that one occasion and i didn’t see a light at the end of that tunnel.
I have a breaking point. We all do.

The byproduct of all of what i’ve endured, stood in the gap spaces and taken my sword out to fight............ is an incredible amount of understanding and compassion for others, as well as an incredibly low tolerance for bullshit. Actually, i have NO tolerance for bullshit if i’m honest. (that last comment is for an entirely different post- but one i need to write.)
.

Also being honest, it doesn’t change the impact on my soul/spirit- heart/mind. I work best under extreme circumstances and pressure, as a result of all this and i’m good at what i do.

But afterwards.... when i’m alone.... when i step back into my hearts skin, when the adrenalin and cortisol tide ebbs out of my veins, i cry. - because it hurts like hell.
It’s been said that tears release toxins from the body; the poison from what caused the pain. I guess it’s the saline washing of the wounds.

I’m going through a lot right now, that’s no surprise to those that know me. I’m not ok, and i’m NOT supposed to be. I’m processing the grief and pain on every level.
My “naked dark side” has shown itself as well and that’s not pretty. To those that have seen that aspect, (You know who you are!) I’m sorry... and thanks for standing there and putting up with my shit, even when i’ve been drunk. (At least i have good taste in Whisky)

While watching a Grey’s Anatomy’s episode today, my heart engaged again... i just wept. Not because it was a dramatic TV show, but because, i’ve been there on so many levels. Standing by hospital beds watching the struggle for life as well as holding a hand as someone faced death. I’ve said before Grief is Sneaky. The episode ended in the following quote:

“Doesn’t matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, It changes our lives.. ... trauma messes everybody up; but maybe that’s the point.
All the pain, the fear and the crap... maybe that’s what keeps us moving forward.
It’s what PUSHES US. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can STEP UP." (Episode 97- Elevator love letter)

So here’s to being messed up, moving forward and stepping up. Jesus help... amen.

2/6 go from the beginning .. scroll down first. WORTH IT!

2011-10-16T21:05:00.000-05:00

encounters: kingdom - yup.

2011-10-16T20:58:00.000-05:00

Graham Cooke / "Hearing Strange Voices"

2011-10-16T20:46:00.000-05:00

Heard this........................ "heard this." call and response. -

My weather

2011-10-10T09:45:00.002-05:00

This summer has been more than brutal, both internally and externally.
My heart feels parched and cracking. My body feels like dry bones and i'm also wondering IF they can live. My soul feels like hopes water has been evaporated.

Here are some "weather" notes from this summer:

Lord Jesus, I'm not sure how much more i can take .... please Abba, i need some breakthroughs. Amen.

Converging Zone & Visionary Advancement Strategies!: Ten Traits of Narcissistic Leaders by Joseph Matte...

2011-10-05T15:49:00.001-05:00

Converging Zone & Visionary Advancement Strategies!: Ten Traits of Narcissistic Leaders by Joseph Matte...: "By definition, a narcissist is a person who believes the world evolves around them to such an extent their own desires blind them to relatio..."

I've hesitated posting this for quite a number of reasons... however, it's got me thinking again.
I'm just gleaning a bit.........................- thought it was worth sharing - even though it might piss a few off.

CharisMystic ?

2011-09-23T02:38:00.000-05:00

I’m a CharisMystic not a charismatic. Well, technically, i’m a “PoMo” : Postmodern CharisMystic.

Since growing up in the North East, there were not many times i was asked ... “where do you go to church?”.

Considering how long i’ve been “down south”, it’s only in retrospect, that i find that rather odd.

It seems knowing your identity is really Key to Sanity these days. Well, it’s Key period on so many matters, but specifically it feels like there is an urgency about it.

I’ve never been a “name it claim it” sort of believer. However i know His Word “does not come back / return void”; so there is a point to staking claim to those promises.

If there is a thief that is caught, and holding something of mine, I’ll say “Give it back, that’s mine”. The enemy of my soul/spirit is a thief and a liar, i will treat it accordingly.

I guess you could say i’m a “REALIST” on matters both practical and spiritual.

I believe in what’s Real.

I’ve worked in Health Care for over 20 years now and just writing that is sorta scary, but....

I know serious physical injuries are REAL, I know Serious Emotional/Mental injuries are REAL. (i Know the “causes” ARE REAL)

I know you can have multiple levels of injuries simultaneously - and yet cope.

I know that gravity holds me to this spinning orb that we so involuntarily trust in.

I also know another Gravity of sorts.

The “Kabod”- the weightiness of God.

I really love that word/Word because it’s grounding; when my soul feels more like fragmented particles of self, wafting like dust in sunlight.

I’ve seen more of God do astounding REAL things than books could contain. (i think there’s a verse about that very point eh?)

I know that Prayer holds Weight in the Spirit as well. How that works, i don’t know, but then again, knowing how this spinning orb works is beyond me too.

Faith is what you have when everything else goes to shit; but faith is all you need in moments when hope is failing. Faith and Hope are sorta bedfellows. You can’t have one without the other, though they switch roles, as needed according to strength.

Perhaps Paul had that stuff right .....

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Cheeky bugger if you ask me on that one.... yeah, he got it... but ............there’s a place where your spirit knows it’s true, but the rational mind is more saying WTF.

In the next few months i’m going to try and unpack (shit, did i just use that phrase-really)- Anyway, i’m going to try and unravel the “hermeneutics”..... which makes this “PoMo-CharisMystic think that Loving Fiercely is worth it........

i might be going from “pillar to post” on matters- yes, i’ve been in the south long enough to use that phrase. But could someone please tell me where “Yonder” is on a google map?

Psalms 103 lil gems.

2011-09-14T03:42:00.000-05:00

Ok.... so have been thinking about “Atonement” and what that means.............

“someone has to Pay”- mentality.

We keep blaming God for that mentality, but i maintain, that is our own creation, born out of fear and not faith, that God’s Justice isn’t Sufficient.

God’s sense of Justice, it certainly seems to be, much more Grace filled than our fickle hearts. (Thankfully)

I think Psalms 103 has a bunch of nuggets for this season, as i’m painfully learning.

Vs:

15 As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.

This summer i’ve watched the grass wither within a week of not having water. I “GET THAT” verse now. Interesting that it takes an emotional drought and a physical one to hammer that home in my heart.

Vs.

10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.

Shit, i’m thankful for that... cuz that’s where this crazy thing called Grace comes in.

Vs.

14 For He Himself knows [e]our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.----------

another version says that "He remembers our frame that we are but dust.

I'm thankful for that today.

I just want to ENTER this day with that Thanksgiving.

I forget to be thankful.

Lord help my unbelief. amen.

Lord, Have Mercy

2011-09-09T11:10:00.000-05:00

Picture taken by Deanna Roy- Austin skyline- wildfires

Just thinks this sums up some matters on things.

Lord, have mercy.

Purging Questions.

2011-09-06T12:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the first day in a very long while, that when i stepped out the door and felt a 60 degree morning hit my face, i cried. Texas has been more than brutal this summer, the skin-part-of-my-heart feels like the dried grass.
The wild fires are burning, just miles to the East of Austin, and i can smell the smoke.

I’d say that’s more than fitting on more levels than i can count presently.

I’m looking at my life differently at the moment and finding it too cluttered; considering i’m a “all or none” person on matters, that means a garage sale of large proportion.

That also means looking at everything around me and asking:

Do i want this?
Do i actually need this?
Does it hold a emotional component that it’s important to save?
How visceral is my reaction and gage my response.
What is it’s worth?
How do i take measures to get the most value?
Time is money, so how much time am i investing, to get the best return.
What is important to me?

I guess i’ve got a lot of questions right now. Rightfully so i gather.

Just looking at first steps, with just enough light to make very small steps at a time.

Praying for grace.

David Ramirez: Shoeboxes

2011-08-18T04:14:00.000-05:00

Can't even begin to describe what this invokes deep in my spirit.........

Brilliant writing. - way to go dude.

Jersey Smirk

2011-07-24T21:19:00.000-05:00

The Jersey Smirk.

Every culture has one and any one with skin and a heart beat understands them, no matter what language.

Call it what you like.... evil eye, eye horns, furrowed brow, raised eyebrow, pointed stare, or my favorite..... “THE GLARE”... (which, i’ve learned is Texas love in the summer.... with the sun glaring down at you with a burnt toast smirk)

Growing up in the North East, in a neighborhood that was of Irish/Italian descent; that look came with a litany of cuss words, flailing arms with pointed specific fingers and occasionally a SHILLELAGH!

My “look” or “glare” was pointed out twice in one week, by two very astute individuals ... (meaning two of my friends that know me well and STILL love me)

I hadn’t quite looked at that until today when i saw the same “Jersey Smirk” in another. I’m sure no one in the surrounding perimeter would have even slightly known why i suddenly started uproariously laughing.

i’ve heard it said that “Jersey doesn’t have An Attitude .... it just has Attitude.

Yup, i’d say that’s true, considering Jersey has to contend with an older brother called New York.

However, there is a social tick, called the Jersey Smirk, which is a term that i just coined and will be adding to the Urban Dictionary shortly.

The “mild version” is the “are you #$*%(^ kidding me” ... Look.

In it’s more “reserved” form, it very quietly states “that if you don’t stop that, you will die a very slow death” in a relatively short span of time.

If it’s in full form, it will tell you .... Where to go, the most direct way to get there in grave detail and perhaps provide assistance as how to get there physically.

I was reminded today that I “ain’t from around these parts” once again.

An Open Letter to Joel Osteen

2011-07-10T19:38:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to Joel Osteen

I have to agree with most of this "letter"....

When i hear the "everything will be rosy", schpeal i quickly roll my eyes. My typical response to that type of "theology" - Tell it to the Martyr's and get back to me on it!

woman hugging a lion ( Marlice Van Der Merwe)

2011-07-07T18:20:00.000-05:00

HEY THIS IS COOL!!

2011-07-01T23:54:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about screwing up and failure over the past few weeks and i was looking for something and ran across an old sermon that i had taken notes on....... and this is what i found.

Notes from sunday morning... (singing “How great thou art”)

What are we looking at................................ the problem or the Person of Jesus.

Numbers 13: 25-33

surveying the land....... (Giant’s)

Caleb means Bulldog- tenacity!

“Failing Forward”

Failing backwards:

Insulating yourself from failure.

-Blaming others

Repeating the Same mistakes

expecting to continually fail

accepting traditions blindly

being limited by past mistakes

thinking i am a failure

quitting

Make all the mistakes you want, just do them once.

Failing Forward:

-taking responsibility

-learning from each mistakes

-knowing failure is a part of progress

-maintaing a positive attitude

-challenging outdated assumptions

-taking new risks

-believing something didn’t work

-persevering

(moses did you bring us out of Egypt just so we could die)

They couldn’t go into the promise land unless it was complete faith in God.

40 years, water, manna, shoes didn’t wear out. They learned to know who God was- so it was easier to trust.

Seven things that failure is Not...........

(to err is human - to forgive is divine)

people think failure is avoidable- it’s not.
People think failure is an event- it’s not.
People think failure is objective-it’s not.
People think that Failure is the enemy- it’s not.
People think failure is irreversible- it’s not
People think failure is a stigma- it’s not.
People think failure is final!- it’s NOT.

Caleb said give me the hill country- because it was the hardest space..... @ 80....... still was a fighter.

the challenge- the question is not.....

Will i make mistakes or will i fail- but

“what will you do after you make mistakes and after you fail.”

Proverbs 24:16

For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again...........

Psalms 34:19

Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Werner Herzog reads Adam Mansbach & Ricardo Cortes book "Go the F**k to ...

2011-06-29T14:08:00.000-05:00

If you are easily offended by profanity, please, don't hit play (you people KNOW who you are- so spare me). If you are a parent, hats off to you, please know how amazing you are!

I kinda think because i'm talking to G-D at really LATE...odd hours perhaps ...... G-D might just be saying the same to me some nights.

John Gorka "The Gypsy Life"

2011-06-24T00:42:00.000-05:00

"Like a tree without the growing space you will be taking from below and from above......"

I think this is one of my favorite John Gorka songs. Still one of the most amazing writers .....

Encouragement Pass it on!

2011-06-24T00:24:00.000-05:00

Now why can't we just have a sermon like this in Church? short, but a bunch of layers.

FIFTY PEOPLE ONE QUESTION - GALWAY, IRELAND 2011 by Kamil Krolak

2011-06-23T14:39:00.000-05:00

Wow, this got to me today... ... ... their willingness in their honesty.

My answer would be: the time i waste and have wasted, when i live and walk dictated by fear.

"White Owl" by Josh Garrels

2011-06-20T11:28:00.000-05:00

This is for Lee today! Enjoy my friend. xo I so love Josh Garrels stuff and this animation is profound and beautiful.

The End of the World - The Jesus Trip

2011-06-19T11:36:00.000-05:00

This is such a needed Video on so many levels. I really would love it to go Viral in a positive manner. Way to bring it home John! thou doth rock!

Natalie Merchant - Verdi Cries

2011-06-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

Was thinking of this song today, somewhere it was triggered in my memory... i used to cover this on occasion. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Harry Baker 2

2011-06-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the sideways vid....... it was the first time i was actually playing with my new phone... so close your eyes and listen. Nice one Harry.

Natalie Merchant- I May Know the Word

2011-06-04T21:00:00.000-05:00

sometimes a song just nails it...............

I really struggle with this issue........ yet, i'm too passionate on matters to let things go UNSAID........ so i really stand in the gap/middle space....... and often just say part of my heart.

So if you've seen me in those spaces........ i'm praying for deliverance.

I MAY KNOW THE WORD.......... and not say it.......... this might be the time, but i might waste it....... this might be the hour...... SOME ONE MOVE, SOME ONE PROVE ME WRONG...............

If i'm on my knees.................. i'm :

night until the day................. standing in the grey.

2011-06-04T18:30:00.000-05:00

Ok - first and foremost... please google NAKED PASTOR... David is brilliant and is part of the reason for this post!!!

I know i have a sick sense of humour- the reason i’m using the Brit version of HUMOUR is cuz for most situations, U is missing in the context of some of that! Actually, i was taught phonetics and i’d spell that fo-net-icks in grammar school (yeah, the “grammar” part should be the pun already there)- but ...

My Dad was part English and part Italian - and when i asked him to correct my spelling he agreed that the U should be in words like colour, behaviour and humour, is heard... and should be there, and it’s just the american version of such is what is screwed up.

But getting back to the M.A.S.H like chuckle.

I really can’t help it, i usually have a lil voice in my head that has an under-currant of tag lines running almost ceaselessly, when i’m in every day dialogue. That could be ode to growing up in a North Eastern State as well- but that would bring in the nature vs. nature debate.

But this has caused me significant discomfort- (aka- trouble) in “christian community”.

Mostly cuz it’s been called “sarcastic” - which in many situations is quite accurate. (i had a friend ask me to give up “sarcasm” for lent, and it lasted all of 15 minutes, i must say, that was longer than “said person” could give up their ego, which was my lent-ant challenge back)

I’d like to say, it’s mostly more “ironic” than “sarcastic”...

It’s been my way of mitigating the blatantly apparent discrepancies in context as to “what should be” and “what is” on many matters.

It’s also the only way i’ve maintained somewhat sanity - (yes, Jury is still out on that matter) But.. truth be told... hand on heart and all that jazz, it is my coping mechanism.

It’s how i deal with the Pauline lament: “what i do i don’t want to do and what i don’t do i want to”.... yes, that was so loosely translated, i need someone to come hammer a tent peg in the ground.

But REALLY- think of it..... from birth we are pushed into the light, slapped into breathing, hopefully without forceps and we live ... , eat, drink, cry, laugh and then by death- forced into the light, hopefully without celestial forceps!

What’s in the GAP-

the WILL........ Will of man vs. Will of God.

There is a shit load of humour in that gap space.

My life experience has been filled with all the “versa”. - Faith vs. Unbelief, Acceptance vs. Rejection, Love vs. Hate, Tender Touches vs. Sexual/Physical/Emotional abuse, Work vs. Play, Hope vs. Despair, Laughing vs. Crying, Excitement vs. Mundane- yeah, you get the point. So what’s in the middle besides mitigating? How do we mitigate or negotiate these apparent contrasts and occasionally juxtapositions?

My first comparative was Faith vs. Unbelief, and i say that because i’m fighting the Disbelief.....

If i couldn’t make fun, laugh, pun at, sarcastically raise an eyebrow on most of it... i’d be wallowing in disbelief. For me, that is far more dangerous than “unbelief”, because if i just didn’t believe, it would be so much easier. However, disbelief raises all sorts of flags in my spirit, because it means i want to believe, but i’ve resigned myself that i can’t because of all the discrepancies.

So instead of being the Jeremiah prophet beating the church with a sledge hammer of conviction weighted by guilt; i sorta rib it enough to remind of the dirt and bone that it was originally formed.

i do really long to see the fullness of which it was all originally intended. However, due to my tent making day job and the stuff i’ve seen go down in the Body...... big B there, if i’m not pulling punches or taking the piss outta of it, i’d be outta the game.

It maybe a sarcastic grin or a ironic chuckle- but if i don’t laugh, i’d be crying on many matters, and i save that for intercession.

Which considering i do that a lot, i’m only praying the tears i sow, in prayer, on this dry ground of experience, brings forth some life.

till then, i’ll quote my favourite Clown Prophet.... “fuck’em if they can’t take a joke!”

Joy can never be negative....

2011-06-04T12:18:00.000-05:00

Joy can never be negative - yeah that was intentionally written that way.
So i was playing with the "negative" option on my phone's camera and this actually was a bright yellow lily on my kitchen table- just a wee bit of garden June Joy.

John Gorka "Let Them In"

2011-06-01T13:54:00.000-05:00

I know it's past memorial day.... but for many people "Memorial Day" is only one day - in the many lonely days of remembering.

I think John nails this one...... such a heart prayer.

by John Gorka

"Let Them In was made into song by John Gorka from a poem found in a hospital in the Philippines during World War II. The nurse that found the poem kept it all these years until the recent war brought out all the memorabilia. Luckily, her daughter sent a copy to John"

Let them in, Peter

They are very tired

Give them couches where the angels sleep

And light those fires

Let them wake whole again

To brand new dawns

Fired by the sun not wartime's

Bloody guns

May their peace be deep

Remember where the broken bodies lie

God knows how young they were

To have to die

God knows how young they were

To have to die

So give them things they like

Let them make some noise

Give dance hall bands not golden harps

To these our boys

And let them love, Peter

For they've had no time

They should have trees and bird songs

And hills to climb

The taste of summer in a ripened pear

And girls sweet as meadow wind

With flowing hair

And tell them how they are missed

But say not to fear

It's gonna be alright

With us down here

Let them in, Peter

..............................................

Flaming May....

2011-05-05T16:36:00.000-05:00

Here's a bit of what's in my Garden.... love the raging colour -

Roar PRAYER.

2011-04-24T12:22:00.000-05:00

Praying the Lion of Judah Roar over you this Resurrection Day.... There is nothing quite like the sound of that ROAR......... and it brings LIFE...... HE is a defender over your heart and the enemy flees at the sound. Have a Blessed Resurrection Day folks-may the power of the Risen Christ flow through you in new ways. May the Life of Jesus seep into all those deep places that have been dead or seemingly almost dead. May His life bring life to the HOPES and God given DREAMS that have been long in slumber to the reality they were intended to be.

There are so many things my heart is thinking today, i want to weep (and am presently)-some of it is my heart ache for things yet to be made manifested and freedom for those still in bondage. The other part is just the fact that Jesus so Love ME..........… So Loves YOU. That type of deep love, when you get a glimpse, a taste, a sense, a glance of those radiant eyes looking at you longingly and with passionate FIRE, really messes with you and shatters things to their core.

May you know the ROAR of the Lion of Judah over you today, May you know the ravishingly way God loves you today, May you feel the radical delight of the Father (ABBA GOD) over you today, May you be washed over by the Tsunami of Love that HE has for you. Wave after Wave of Loves Restoration in your lives.

With much Love,

Cathryn

Rob Bell Comes Clean!!!

2011-04-20T19:09:00.000-05:00

HA! PUNCH IT DUDE! AMEN.

I made a mistake

2011-04-19T20:59:00.000-05:00

mr. Harry Baker....

Got to host him for a week here in Austin. Such a dear heart. Nice one dude. x

2004 Larry Norman interview

2011-02-24T21:43:00.000-06:00

Now how did i miss THIS. Larry on Art... Music.... Holy Spirit...

Fav quote here: " Propaganda is when you don't trust the Holy Spirit... and you think you have to tell everybody or HARANGUE and bash them, I think that denies the power of Christ." The boy always nailed it. Dam i miss his influence.

Jonathan David Helser | You're Never Giving Up

2011-02-23T22:10:00.000-06:00

This is one of my all time fav's - it's seriously packing some Heat!

That place must have been smokin! So glad you guys posted this.. what an inside peek- (and there's Ken peeking thru too- he's such a dear!) Straight up worship in the Studio.... Melissa, i love watching you loose it IN HIM... dancing around...

HEAVEN WILL NOT BE BORING............... CUZ HE NEVER STOPS!

God Time w/ Ken Helser

2011-02-19T21:58:00.000-06:00

I love this man....... deeply. One of the most amazing hearts and story tellers i've ever known. What a Papa...

Thanks so much Ken... miss you .... i know i gotta come to the farm soon....... perhaps this summer.

seems like everything is a TEST...

2011-02-19T00:41:00.000-06:00

For the past couple years, seems EVERYTHING has been a TEST... a test of my will, a test of my heart, a test of my ability to stand, a test of my ability to Love, a test of trust, a test of how much i actually give a shit, a test of of how far i can go with out going over the edge.

Did i mention I bloody well HATE tests, and i feel like i've failed miserably on most matters.

So i've got State Boards tomorrow- for "massage therapy". You'd think that considering i've been doing this stuff for 15 years +, that would be a breeze... but the amount of extraneous information that is on the myriad of random questions has me feeling less than confident.

I know i'm a smart cookie and all that, but really when it comes down to the Art of test taking, i feel more like a 2 year old with a shitty box of crayons and i'm not sure how to colour in the lines.

Now if you gave me a "case based" situation and what i would do.... or not do........ i'm stellar.

But that doesn't seem to be how people grade things. It's normally some ratio of how many times you "fuck up", which usually counts twice as much in relationship to how many times you actually "show up" in ability; which doesn't seem quite fare on matters.

yeah, well, i'm a bit brutally honest on most things i'm crap at, yet have an amazing capacity to cover those i love when they are crap. Makes for a wondrous tug of war in my heart; though i do think it's worth it... and will keep being ME in the process.

I guess that comes down to performance based scenarios.... which i'm basically shit at. I used to be good in "open mike" night scenario... but it was raw.. Smokey filled bars and odd hours, where you could just be in that space and share a bit from the depths and not worry about if it was "commercial enough". Kudos to my mates that can carry that level of performance... you guys do it well.
But that's not really me.

I've thought long and hard this week on how i tend to choke on things when it comes down to the wire or the nitty gritty. I've had someone ask "Where has your fight gone" recently. I don't have a good answer on that one... Perhaps it's just the tiresome nature of the fight... i'd much rather fight for someone than for myself on some matters. One of my dearest friends said to me... "Cathryn, you don't EVER do things small." Meaning i excel brilliantly and fail with apparent gasconade.

I kinda like the Luther quote: Be a sinner, and let your sins be strong (sin boldly), but let your trust in Christ be stronger, and rejoice in Christ who is the victor over sin, death, and the world.

I so sorta do that well in matters- sin boldly, yet still fall on the grace parts in Christ.

So i guess this is a quite public visceral rant on matters... feeling rather frail and quite under-stood. Not the pity party, more so the emoting aspects on matters.

Hoping and praying i do well, not just in this test - but in the other ones... and praying some hold some grace out for my heart and still believe for the good in me.

Isn't that what we all are praying for on matters... to be seen honestly for who we are, but to be seen Hopefully for all that is the Hope in us...... which of course is Jesus.
Shalom,
Cathryn

Songs of Water 2 Computer

2011-02-17T17:29:00.000-06:00

way to go guys... as always ... love it. Prayin for ya all. xo

chronic pain patient in the ER

2011-02-01T17:50:00.000-06:00

I loved the "i have PTSD due to a televison show" line.... (i worked for many years with chronic pain patients... and have had a patient tell me her pain level went up to a 12/10 when she blinked- so this did make me laugh)

Nursing vs PT

2011-02-01T17:33:00.000-06:00

Ok- gonna post a few more of these... (therapy is pressured to make sure they treat and "get there time" with patients) - so i found this hysterical.

Download PT vs Nursing video on savevid.com

2011-02-01T09:03:00.000-06:00

BAD LANGUAGE WARNING- (please don't play if you are going to be offended- cuz i don't want to hear it!)

This is a lil clue as to what happens with Rehab vs. Nursing at a rehab hospital. They played it at lunch yesterday and i laughed my arse off... as it is one of a hundred senario's that we see WAY to often. -

Download PT vs Nursing video on savevid.com

Faith and screwing up.

2011-01-09T01:20:00.000-06:00

Sometimes i like to use these fonts because my handwriting is atrocious - i was told that lousy handwriting was a sign of genius and if that’s the case my IQ should be amazing... however i don’t think the nuns in grammar school thought that.

I was always getting into some sort of trouble back then, mostly because i challenged the “religious thought”. Always asking those questions that had difficult answers and wouldn’t be satisfied with “because i said so” or “it’s a mystery”.

Kinda glad God didn’t mind them so much... even though i argued with HIM too... and at times ignored HIM.

Mostly, when i ignored HIM.. i made really poor decisions - i was reminded of that the other day in a conversation with a friend.

So i got me thinking of the reasons why i perhaps only listen to HIM 65-70% of the time. Why i struggle with being rebellious. It’s usually when i’m really frustrated on some matter; particularly when it’s matters of my heart. It’s also during those times that i forget my identity, i forget who i am in I AM. It’s not that i “actually” forget in a memory sense, but in an action sense.

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Romans 7:15

“The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.” Galatians 5:17

“but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.” Romans 7:23

Thankfully, God’s got a better memory than me... and HE remembers who i am ... and HIS actions trump mine. HE keeps loving, HE keeps forgiving, HE keeps granting me grace through the completed work of the Cross.

That’s not an excuse for my actions by any means... it’s the reminder that keeps me going back to the Love of God. What is true... what is Holy... What is loving.

When i act out in a way “not becoming of who i am”, it basically puts me back under the Law of sin.. and with that comes regret, shame, self hatred and all the like. If i allow myself to stay in that space, it just reinforces it and then i deny further by not allowing the Love of God in His mercy to come and cover me.

I’ve had a few conversations over the past 2 months with some peeps, that in their words... “keep fucking up”.- (which my typical comment is... “last time i checked we all do”.) But the answer often lies a lot deeper than behavioral modification .. and the “well, just say no” bullshit that so easily gets slapped on like a band-aide on a gaping wound.

One of the things Jesus said to me was...

“All sin comes from pain.”- I know He wasn’t being flippant with that.. because there was such compassion that came with it. I was struggling on matters and yes, i was in pain. So it was a revelation moment for my heart.

Instead of taking that pain to HIM .. .. i was acting out in a self sabotage manner. I was seeking out distraction in order not to deal with the hurt.

We all do it in one way or another... sometimes for me it’s simply getting lost for hours in front of a T.V.- and other times i’ve put myself in a lot more danger and my actions would also effect/affect others.

Some of that pain is from not seeing “Promises” that i know has come from HIM, yet to manifest.

That’s one of the biggest struggles for my heart.

I’ve cried out to God on those matters... and i often feel alone in the standing in gap spaces. I get really frustrated by seemingly a silent heaven.

I know HE is working in all of it, really at the core i do, but my heart feels so much of the waiting angst that at moments i just want Jesus to take me home. That’s often where the enemy whispers shit ... the “did God REALY say” stuff... straight back to the Garden on that matter. Since that lie is so old, you'd think he'd come up with a better one, but it's still effective enough i guess he doesn't have to! The assault in those moments makes me question my own sanity for even hoping. I’ve gotten in some really black depressions as a result. At that point, it’s all i can do to keep my head above water and put one foot in front of the other walking in faith. So bottom line is i have to keep going back to Him, even when things feel unbearable and say “Lord forgive me, i DO believe... HELP my unbelief and help me not deny who i am in you when i'm in pain. Heal my heart Abba."

"Decision" Josh Garrels

2011-01-05T03:02:00.000-06:00

Ya know...... some things just cut to the chase on matters.

Thanks for meeting me there Lord..... time and time again. .... you never cease to amaze me on matters of the heart........... you just keep giving..... and NEVER get tired of it. -

"Freedom" Josh Garrels

2011-01-05T02:50:00.000-06:00

worth the repeat..... love this dudes stuff.

Kevin Prosch,John Mark McMillan,Leonard Jones,and many others.

2011-01-02T23:26:00.000-06:00

I love the process. This is one place that deserves support! Musical Community.

Crooked Still - Sometimes in This Country

2010-12-26T21:21:00.000-06:00

I'm hooked on "Crooked Still". check 'em out.

Arabic Christmas Carol (higher resolution)

2010-12-24T22:03:00.000-06:00

Rather beautiful. Thanks Alan for posting on facebook. Makes me wonder about the first "Carol's" - or even how Jesus sounded when HE sang.

May your stockings be filled with gold and you would hear HIM sing over YOU.

Blessings and Shalom this Christmas.

Sing Winter | Jonathan & Melissa Helser

2010-12-21T19:23:00.000-06:00

Jonathan & Melissa this really blessed me today. This northern girl- now in Texas has been missing some white stuff. (least we got a bit when i lived in NC!) Love that back porch high in the trees!!! The Farm always looks so tender and calm in the snow. Now missing you guys!!

Loved the song... thanks for the winter blessings.

xoxoxo

Advent Prayer

2010-12-07T15:39:00.000-06:00

I'm reposting a poem/prayer i wrote a bit ago... heart spaces and such....

Birthright born of Battlefield
This valiant tribe contends
Keys to Kingdom Hearts
Friendship Advent mends.

Tarry to rekindle
Sacred pause remind
Embracing marrows moment
Nobility refined.

Sojourn of Spirit
Novitiate gauntlet passed
Renegade of Royalty
Passion taunted grasp

Revelation brimming Truth
Burning to conceal
Loves ransoming of death
A Signet ring to steal.

Prodigals to Princes
Prostitutes to Queens
Paradox of Destiny
Proselytizing Dreams.

Faith’s Sonnet
Hope’s Prayer
Dance and Dirge
For Love to Dare.

--by Cathryn

O Come O Come Emmanuel - Trace Bundy and Josh Garrels

2010-11-30T22:24:00.000-06:00

This is my favorite christmas song .... it's such a lament to the calling forth of God being "with us" - which is what Emanuel means.......

(got turned on the Josh Garrels music about 3 years ago... and, well, - just love the skill, humility and purity of it)

So we are stepping into December. -

Just before thanksgiving 6 years ago, my dad tried to commit suicide. ( God spared his life... thank you Jesus)- however for me ...... this window of time...... is filled with a lot "lacking". I know it's supposed to be filled with all sorts of "christmas cheer" and all that. Society puts a lot of weight on it. It's hard when you don't have "family" per say.... that weight feels overwhelming and i fight pretty hard not to go into a space of avoiding.

I still like singing christmas carols though.... i think it's the only thing that brings me some comfort.

Let's Talk About Jesus Fall Retreat in the Poconos Friday evening message

2010-11-30T20:38:00.000-06:00

I sooooo love his simple teaching.... the point of praise.... the living water.... drink ...drink more... -

Here's a bit of Northern........ preaching. I think the praise point is much missing in all of our walk. We forget, (at least i do)- that the enemy hates praise... he can't stand to be in a space of praise. So it might be simplistic...... but so needed. I have chosen the better part of things.... when i made that decision to follow in the way of Jesus. It's not believing harder..... it's about drinking more of Him. So toasting to living water... and eating more of the bread of life.

Let's Talk About Jesus Fall Retreat Saturday evening

2010-11-30T20:22:00.000-06:00

I've listened to Wayne since 1979.... he had a radio program "let's talk about Jesus"... it's been on the air ever since. Gone to a few retreats... (one that basically changed the course of my life ....- long story there )

I had just become a believer back then... "79"........ His radio show was a call in counseling program for those that had gotten disillusioned with christendom.... so early on i was already hearing so much of what people were having angst about... and hashing through. His voice reminded me of my favorite priest... it was strong with a gentle, yet masculine authority. He wasn't about hype... thankfully. It was simple and solid teaching; yet also held some of the mystery of the Gospel, hidden nuggets of truth. It was calm truth in a very stormy sea of my life. So here's a snippet. I'll prolly share more on it.

Jonathan David Helser | Endless Ocean

2010-11-25T12:05:00.000-06:00

Speaking of new ones........ nice one bro!

There is no place where i feel "home" as deeply as i do the Ocean..... Jonathan.. thanks for combining my hearts passion there. - I'm soaking in the salt now.

Songs of Water at the Broach Theatre - montage

2010-11-25T11:56:00.000-06:00

New one from Songs of Water... (need i say more?)

Deluge JONES style!

2010-11-11T14:59:00.001-06:00

Just had the honour of hosting the Jones’ (aka TallSkinnyKiwi & fam), this past week.

T’was a thick 5 days of “Tribe Touchin”, filled with food, fun, deep convo, punching play, the mini row and even included Amy Chapman’s birthday party; with STONEY’s new EP... “THE SOAR BEFORE” in crescendo! (Love you girl... you are soooo walkin in the beauty!)

Nothing like a party thrown by the Chapman’s ... SERIOUSLY!!!!... and Mark... that EP absolutely SMOKES DA HOUSE OUT! (both Amy’s party and Mark’s new EP deserve their own special blog post actually!- will get on those two, shortly.)

Gotta say though, as per the JONES’s, i really don’t think these guys get enough credit for what they do. I don’t know anyone quite like them. Ummm 5 kids, 2 adults and the random ragamuffins that often just pile in their rolling house- geezzzzzzzz they touched 23 countries this year alone! (or was it 24, i’m bad with numbers and tend to loose count!)

Spreading some thick Jesus love in what i would consider NYC cream cheese style on a warm onion and garlic bagel! (Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I got love in my Tummy and i feel like a-lovin you!) *** yes, yes, Ohio Express- 1968!

I love their Kingdom expression of Grace... they really are living it not just yapping about it.

They rolled up in the “brady-bunch” wagon ... (really, it looks like it, no joke!) Thus began the deluge, (well, that was the word i got on it in the Spirit) ; so the ocean of love swelled and rolled and we just played in the fray for a few days and the sand is still stuck in my shoes.

Really was a full house though, Paul Pleasant came in, as did Jenna White and Becky Garrison got in on the tail end of the goods. So the body count strewn over air mattresses, couches, futons and floor was 11 including Phil and myself. We got to feel what this home/kingdom space could hold and actually now understand that it can hold even more! (love those stretching moments- made me think that we really have a TARDIS here, bigger on the inside!)

There were a few i was REALLLLLLLY missing though....

Brian & Whitney, Jen & Fran, Jessica, Lizzy, Teresa, Brandon & Julia, Stephen and Sarah, and Shannon- so consider this guys as a hug sent your way....

Anyway....

It was a really rich time of convo as well. Andrew you absolutely MUST... no if’s, and’s or butt’s about it... when you speak ANYWHERE.. have a podcast going... you hold way too much wisdom and knowledge that is in dire need of expounding upon. So dude, GET OVER YOURSELF! Build that bridge will ya!-

AND... speaking of WISDOM... Debbie, you don’t get off easy, girl!

What a frigg’in wealth there! Get DRAWING and get TALK’IN!

What stories to tell, what love to spread, what Joy to go viral!!!!

(just remember the image of that “draw bridge” - God loves to PUN... and the creaking sound i was making at both of you!) K- nuff said! xo

I think the thing that always gets me ... when this crazy Tribe touches is the incredible amount of rich deposit in the Spirit that is carried. Such a wealth of goods & Kingdom bootie!

It happens in an organic fashion, where not everyone has to be in the same room, just that we make room, to touch in Coffee Shops & each other’s homes. (still longing for the day though that we can all go on a rafting trip- level 5 like, and BE together in some action adventure!- just my lil secret desire there!)

So presently, with an Irish Coffee in hand as i’m typing this...

I’m toasting to ya all in Lagavullin, Ardbeg, Highland Park & Famous Grouse - QUAICH like fashion!

Here’s to L’Chaim and it being poured out and drunk “neat” Together!

much love guys,

xocathryn

Willow Live At The Visulite Theatre

2010-11-06T21:42:00.000-05:00

Here's a new one from Songs of Water. Stephen brilliant as ever! I so love these guys!

PLEASE PRAY for SPENCER WILSON

2010-11-02T21:57:00.000-05:00

We have some VERY dear friends in N.Carolina that hold a deep place in our heart's pocket. When Ken Helser told me that his 14 year old grandson, Spencer was diagnosed with "Ewing's sarcoma" in August 09, my heart broke. There are some things that happen in this earthly realm that piss me off to the core and this would be one of them.

I've been following his posts on CaringBridge and will post the link at the end.
I'm asking here that for those of you who read my blog, pop in on occasion and or stumbled on to it....... to PRAY..... please.

I'm going to copy and paste a few things- including an article that was written about Spencer in the High Point Enterprise on 10/24/10 by Jimmy Tomlin - but first a word from Spencer...

My name is Spencer Daniel Wilson and I am 14 years old. I was diagnosed on August 20, 2009 with Ewing's sarcoma. I completed eight months of chemo on March 15, 2010. I was in remission for six months, but I relapsed on September 16, 2010. I am now undergoing chemo and radiation at Brenner's and then a vaccine study at NIH. Keep praying for a miracle!

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

BACKGROUND STORY

Thank you for all of your prayers. It has really touched me and I know God will answer them. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phillipians 4:13. Please pray for me as I start my chemo therapy treatment tomorrow. I also have a portocath being put in. Thanks again for all of your prayers and may God be with you.
Spencer Wilson

Here is the article - i would ask that you take the time to read it and pray for this young lad and his family.

HIGH POINT – One afternoon about a month ago, as Spencer Wilson stepped out on a rock ledge at Hanging Rock State Park, his mother Jodie snapped a photograph – not just of her 14-year-old son, but also of the vast, beautiful expanse stretching out far beneath him.

It wasn’t until later, as Jodie studied the photo, that she remembered Spencer’s fear of heights. Yet there he stood on the precipice, calmly, confidently surveying the scenery in front of him.

“It made me think about what he is going through,” Jodie says.

What Spencer’s going through – again – is cancer. Specifically, it’s Ewing’s sarcoma, a rare malignancy that Spencer was able to beat the first time around after an intensive chemotherapy regimen that claimed his hair, made him nauseous, sapped his strength and – temporarily, at least – derailed his dreams of someday playing college basketball.

Spencer celebrated his last day of chemo March 15, and a week later he was declared in remission.

That lasted half a year. In mid-September, following Spencer’s six-month checkup, a biopsy showed the cancer had returned. With Ewing’s, the odds of beating it the first time are favorable, but when the patient has a relapse – and particularly so soon – the prognosis is dismal.

“The quicker it comes back,” Jodie says softly, “the cancer is more vicious.”

Spencer knows this, because his parents have shared everything with him. He knows that in the cold, statistical world of medical science, odds are that he will die – and if his current treatment regimen doesn’t work, it could happen in as little as six months to a year.

But there’s something else Billy and Jodie Wilson have shared with their son – their faith in a sovereign, merciful, loving God who still performs miracles.

“He is not a God of percentages,” Billy says.

“He’s much bigger than cancer,” Jodie adds.

Spencer knows this, too, and it shows in how he carries himself. With a full head of hair now and a big, confident smile of perfectly straight teeth – courtesy of the braces he recently had taken off – he looks more like a fashion model than a cancer patient.

“I feel great,” he says, explaining that while he does tire more easily than usual, his chemo treatments have not yet taken a heavy toll on his body.

Spencer admits, however, that the initial news of the relapse stunned him.

“I just got really angry – not necessarily at God, but just mad,” he says. “I didn’t know what to do. Couldn’t figure out why this was happening.”

Nor could his parents, who believed God had healed their son.

“It was like a dagger,” Billy says of the diagnosis. “Everything had been going so great.”

Indeed, Spencer’s three-month checkup had been perfect. He’d been working out and playing basketball almost daily to get back in shape after his first bout with cancer. He’d been to several basketball camps. Only a few hours before learning he had relapsed, Spencer had been at Davidson College, where he met one of his favorite players, former Davidson great Stephen Curry (who, coincidentally, had sent Spencer a signed jersey during his first illness).

When Spencer’s parents told him about the relapse, he asked questions: How long do I have to live? How can I be away from my family? My dream of playing college basketball isn’t going to happen, is it? Do I have to do chemo again?

“That was really, really tough,” Billy says. “But we also had a really amazing conversation, a spiritual conversation about eternity. We talked about how God is in this, and He totally understands. We told him we were going to be with him every step of the way, and we were praying for a miracle and believing that God was going to get him through this and heal him.”

They cried together and prayed together. And then, Billy says, a peace seemed to come over Spencer, and he hasn’t cried since. Yes, he’s had his moments of frustration – when the chemo made him sick, for example – but he has remained upbeat and even maintains his quirky sense of humor.

“He’s handled it so well – he’s a unique kid,” Billy says.

The medical protocol calls for a staggered regimen of chemo – one week on, two weeks off – as well as a five-week blitz of daily radiation treatments. If the cancer begins to shrink, Spencer will also participate in a clinical vaccine study at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Md., traveling there every other week for three to five days at a time.

In the meantime, the family has committed itself to praising God through what promises to be a difficult storm.

“The first week we were just so overwhelmed with grief,” Jodie explains, “...and when you have so much grief, you don’t have room for joy. We knew we had to move past that place, because you’re immobilized when you’re overwhelmed with grief. There’s no place for joy, no place for laughter, no place to praise the Lord, so we knew we had to get out of that place.”

Spencer, too, has moved past his initial anger. He thinks the relapse has actually strengthened his faith and caused him to cling to his God more tightly than he already had been.

Which brings us back to Jodie’s photograph of her son, standing on that precipice, calmly, confidently surveying the scenery in front of him.

That sounds an awful lot like Spencer’s approach to cancer, doesn’t it?

“It takes faith,” Jodie says of her son, “to stand boldly up against your greatest fears and trust the Lord has you securely in His hand.”

jtomlin@hpe.com | 888-3579

Thank you all for taking the time to read this Blog post... and for praying.

If you would like to follow Spencer's journey in this storm please go to:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/spencerwilson/mystory

Storms & Faith and the miraculous Pt.1...Awe TV

2010-11-01T14:27:00.000-05:00

Well, i'm obviously in listening to good teaching mode. Storms of faith has been an ongoing dialogue of late. I think there are times when as David did... we must encourage and strengthen ourselves in the Lord. See 1 Samuel 30:6 - It's a place of when feeling all the doubt and angst as well as facing some fierce foes we return to the place of belief in knowing Who HE IS... HE is the I AM.
For me, it's getting grounded again in some solid teaching.. since faith comes by HEARING. That also means speaking the truth of what i know of God in my life ... for when i speak out loud - or sing out loud... my ears hear the truth that my mouth is speaking and my spirit man is filled with faith again.
My brain can feel like a stormy sea and my stomach churns with doubt... Lord, please step into my boat. amen.

(Storms Faith & The Miraculous Pt.2)

2010-11-01T14:03:00.000-05:00

hmmmm No hope of vision part due to the battle in the mind. I know those Oi Vey moments... all too well. Love the point that Jesus MADE the disciples get into the boat...

WSTK-ITV - Storms Faith & The Miraculous Pt. 3 - AWE TV

2010-11-01T13:51:00.000-05:00

Ok... i have to laugh on the Bob Jones part here... just classic.

WSTK-ITV - Breaking Down Strongholds (Part 1) Awe TV

2010-11-01T13:10:00.000-05:00

I've listened to John Paul's teaching for over 10 years now. He always packs a punch. I love his teaching style because it's clear, direct and gentle.

This is a topic that has been on my mind a lot in recent years. I had a conversation the other day with a friend about "faith, hope and belief" and what is the difference and how they interact with each other. It got me thinking about what directly comes against those 3 things- and how we THINK directly effects/affects our faith, hope and belief. Also, how strongholds effect relationships in "spiritual disorientation" based in offense. I needed to hear this today. (it's 1 of 2 parts) though i know it could be much more..... but i like his snap shot and meaty teaching because it causes one to think deeper on how we think.

i needed to pull down a few strongholds in my mind.

Mark 9:24 (Amplified Bible)

²⁴At once the father of the boy gave [an ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]}eager, ^{b]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]}piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my^{c]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[c]}weakness of faith!

WSTK-ITV - Breaking Down Strongholds Part 2 - Awe TV

2010-11-01T12:37:00.000-05:00

Ok... Here's part 2 ... sometimes we just need the basics and be reminded. Hmmmm "the stronghold of judgement". God knows i've fallen victim to that one! I know i need to be reminded that my mind needs to be renewed ...... strongholds steal our hope and destroy our faith. I love the point where John Paul looks at the stronghold as an opportunity for strength building.. instead of the whiny "why me" points. I'm going to write out the his "Tips" here... (so i can re-read them too!)

#1) HOW WE THINK ABOUT OURSELVES TRUELY AFFECTS WHO WE ARE AND CAN KEEP US IN BONDAGE.

#2) STONGHOLDS SET THEMSELVES UP AGAINST GOD'S KNOWLEDGE OF US AND OPINION OF US SO WE WILL LOSE SIGHT OF WHO HE SAYS WE ARE.

#3) STRONGHOLDS WILL SUPPRESS YOUR FAITH AND WILL KEEP GOD FROM BEING ABLE TO ACT ON YOUR BEHALF.

#4) A TELLTALE SIGN OF A STRONGHOLD OPERATING IN YOUR LIFE IS A RECURRING "WHY ME?" MENTALITY.

#5) STRONGHOLDS NOT ONLY AFFECT YOUR OWN LIFE, BUT THEY CAN ALSO KEEP YOUR CHILDREN IN BONDAGE TO THE SAME THINGS.

Sexual Mythbusters - The Jesus Trip with John Crowder

2010-10-30T13:16:00.000-05:00

I'm posting this due to a comment left on my blog.... pretty nasty one actually. So this is a mythbuster.. To Seeker3- you might want to listen.

A final summer thought... - Twentyfour-7 Church's Myspace Blog |

2010-10-21T11:30:00.000-05:00

I soo love you Rebecca Heiskell. This is a word in due season!!!! xo

A final summer thought... - Twentyfour-7 Church's Myspace Blog |

a grain

2010-10-16T14:29:00.001-05:00

mourning light casting off the shadows

you’ve seen my shadows more

peering behind lattice like blinds

distorted glass and curtain tore

when will you give me grace a grain

to fill the depleted harvest fields

that lay across the desolate land

to which friendship yields

can the vail part and hearts mend

touching once more the breech

allowing Resurrection life to live

rising from fallen with love to teach
------- by Cathryn

Berkeley Bionics: Introducing eLEGS

2010-10-11T18:03:00.000-05:00

wow this is very COOOOOOOL. I'm stoked for the future for some of my patients! way cool. (thanks Paul for passing on the link!)

Jonathan David Helser Sermon "Worship Echos" Part 1/3

2010-10-07T23:58:00.000-05:00

Jonathan smokes the house up with this sermon.... thick.... rich..... overflowing! (miss you bro!)

Enjoy folks.... this is sum good stuff!

Thanks Jonathan for posting it!

Jonathan David Helser Sermon "Worship Echos" Part 2/3

2010-10-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

Part 2...... luv'in it.

Jonathan David Helser Sermon "Worship Echos" Part 3/3

2010-10-07T23:54:00.000-05:00

Part 3 of sum reallllllllllly good teaching!

Jonathan David Helser | I've Seen I Am

2010-10-07T23:52:00.000-05:00

Nice one Jonny and Luke! Dublin eh? Would have loved to have been there!! Really cool room!

Benjamin Dunn - Album Update and Sample

2010-09-30T21:33:00.000-05:00

So here's what Ben is up to! Nice one dude.. i like the title of it! I REALLLLLLLY like it. THE CIRCUS OF LOVE... kewl concept! I can't wait to hear it! Ok so go buy a CD peeps and spread the LOVE!

School DAZE

2010-09-30T00:43:00.000-05:00

Wow... i just finished my last project for School... which was a business plan for my up and coming private practice as a Massage Therapist/Bodyworker. It’s been on the back burner of procrastination stirring with the spoon of dread.

My brain so doesn’t work like that... i’ve never had a business mind. I’m good at the vision parts of things and brain storming creative aspect, but the nuts and bolts of cost assessment, comparative analysis ... yada yada gave me more agida than any tums could squelch.

It’s been a year of school while also working; and to be quite honest a helluvahalotta study, projects and exams!

My brain is knackered, but i still have states boards with which to contend. (that and finishing up internship.. only 20 more massages to go!)

I think the most frustrating part for me was the lack of personal time to do the things i love, like writing, hanging with friends, going to hear live music, chill time to do absolutely NOTHING and so forth. On some levels instead of feeling like i was burning the candle the proverbial “both ends”, it’s felt more like i’ve been a menorah. I know just living has more than one plate in which to spin, but i’ll give anyone kudos when they tell me that they are working AND going to school.

I wasn’t even working full time, but it sure as hell felt like it.

This is not so much of a kvetch as it is looking back over this last year and being thankful for God’s grace in the process and feeling a sigh of relief that it’s almost concluded.

Now i’m looking at what’s next. I’ve kinda stopped asking the why parts of having to go back to school to do what i’ve been doing for 15+ years. I’ve made a lot of cool connections and met some amazing people along this part of my journey.

For now, i’d like to get some projects done that are a bit more playful and creative as well as having a yard sale. I’m in the mood to go through everything i have and ask the questions..... is this of value, do i have need of it, what could it be worth and what could i do with the proceeds that has more value? (besides for wanting to buy a Iphone) That one is frustrating cuz i hate AT&T- the rates just seem too high ... and again, at present, i’m asking what is really needed when there is so much need around me. So cleaning up clutter in the natural does set things in motion to clearing the clutter in the Spirit too.

I’m looking forward to some free time... (just as soon as i’m done with boards and internshit ;-) ummm and perhaps a IPhone.

God's Cricket Chorus (sample)

2010-09-21T00:17:00.000-05:00

I think this is just cool beans.....

Jim Wilson & David Carson - God's Cricket Chorus (1992).

The story behind GOD'S CRICKETS.

This unusual recording contains two tracks:
1. the natural sound of crickets chirping
2. the sound of the crickets slowed down to match and mirror the length of the average lifespan of a human being.

The angelic chorus you hear accompanying the sound of the crickets is NOT a synthesizer or a chorus singing. It's the crickets themselves (slowed down) creating the effect. Really an amazing thing they've accomplished here. This recording can be played continuously in the background to create a natural soothing atmosphere for calming and healing.

This recording has been created by Jim Wilson.

This recording is an extended digitally remixed and mastered version taken from the original 1992 recording entitled "Ballad of the Twisted Hair" from the album "Medicine Songs" by David Carson and Little Wolf Band produced by Jim Wilson and released on Raven Records.

Bob Jones 2011 The year of The Roaring Lion

2010-09-16T14:14:00.000-05:00

Bob has been one of the most accurate prophetic voices i have heard in 15 years. I think this one does have some major heat on it. HE's been speaking to my heart about HIS Roar for over 3 years now... it's been a really hard season for most. There has been much hurt, much despair and much heart break. When i heard this today, i just wept. The sowing part really hit me... not to quit.

Let the vibrations from the Roar of the Lion of Judah go forth.........

New York Trip- Time to stomp with some Grace!

2010-09-05T16:55:00.001-05:00

Wow ... Finally have some sit down time to ponder my NYC trip.

Far too long since i was able to wander around old stomping grounds and it was really good for my soul to feel the strength of the North East.

I was staying with Anthony and Michele out in Hempstead, Long Island. (about a 20 min. train ride to NYC- and one of the oldest English settlements in Nassau County)-

To it’s credit also has a English/American Pub, “CROXLEY ALES”, to which i frequented for some MUCH needed decompressing!

Thank you Anthony for that gem, and i’m still gonna expand your beer palate. I really liked the English/American combo aspects of it... complete with servings in a real PINT and a side of “wings”. It also had proper fish and chips as well as shepherds pie; none of which i fancied at the time, as i was getting my fill of amazing Greek/Italian at their house.

(Michele you are an amazing cook and i love your kitchen!)

HA! i guess one of the things i was craving, besides the cooler weather and nostalgic moments, was the food! (oh and a lil POOL!)

Bagels....... I mean the way only New York can make ‘em, filled with the pride of generations!

Pizza...... with the “spirit of competition”! That meaning, family’s that have been perfecting their craft to be the “best in the area”; with the feeling of a truly “family business”, complete with the strong voice, bickering and shall we say “attitude”.

I cannot fail to mention the Greek food in Astoria, which is Michele’s stomping ground. Really nice lil cafe there, though the food, according to Michele was not up to Greek perfection standard, had amazing coffee frappe; which was perfect for the rainy Sunday jaunt.

The thing is about Cities for me... is more the relationships there. Don’t get me wrong, i’d jump at the chance to go to Paris or Belgium in a heart beat, just that, what gets my heart beating faster is the love in fellowship/friendship.

So it was lovely to “touch in” with Anthony and the family and hanging out with my 9 year old niece Christianna. It had been 5 years since we hugged and my skin didn’t know how much it was missing those deep embraces till i actually got there!

Christianna had not been to the top of the Empire State Building, so one of her requests was to have that “experience” with me. Yes, i’m quoting, a 9 year old .... “Aunt Cat’rin this is special cuz we’re gonna have an “experience” togeddah!” Yes, she cracks me up as she is 9 with a 15 year old vocabulary, complete with a very thick New York accent. Anthony and i kept shooting each other “looks” as we stood in the endless queuing, looking at rows and rows of KITCH CHACHKA!!!! Yes, if you are NOT familiar with that wording..... go google.

It was a nice venture out, that was fully completed by Anthony’s erratic driving skills extraordinaire. We made an illegal U-turn that turned into a K-turn, ‘bout to go into the tunnel out of NYC, and he scared the living shit out of a bus driver as well as the peeps in it, as he came with in inches of T-boning the bus. Talk about alphabet soup driving.... U turns K turns T! Christianna was yelling in the back seat... “Dad, waddu’ah do’in, we’re gawna die!”

Then there was the Gerbil escapade! They had gotten 4 lil fella’s for Christianna to have as pets. A dog was an option, but that’s not until they get rid of the grandmother. (long story- trust me)

The endless parental warnings as to what NOT to do to the poor critters led to no avail, when one of ‘em, after some rough and tumble, was on the floor bleeding from the mouth and trying to crawl with half it’s body functioning. (did i mention it was the grandmother’s ... the one that she wanted) Ummmm, long to short, well sorta...

Christianna was in pieces thinking she had just killed the poor guy, while Anthony and Michele were reeling in the throws of how to make this "OK," while sharing the non-verbal communication of.... “we KNEW this was gonna happen”.

I am making light of it now, but during it was not pretty.

So Michele went on to brain storm as to how to get another critter that “looked the same” to replace the battle fallen rodent.

In the mean time, Christianna was praying to Jesus to save it’s life so that her grandmother wouldn’t hate her for the rest of her life. While Anthony was giving psychological counseling in Rambo style... “yer gawna have to give gram’ma one of yer other ones, you took a life, now yer gawna have to give one.”

Needless to say, we were ALL praying! Anthony then picked up the lil guy, and i said, “dude it’s in misery, either pray for healing, or ... you know.”

I guess the prayer took, cuz while he was about to gently cease it’s breathing, it started to move, and when put on the ground, started running about.

We were all a bit wide eyed and just at that time, Michele came home with the “twin”.

Suffice to say, there are now 5 ‘lil critters and a happy child and i was wondering about Anthony’s “Wigglesworth” skills.

That was the first of the little drama’s that cluttered my trip.

I had a grand time hanging with Becky Garrison jaunting around “Battery Park”, looking at such obscure lil niche spots as a memorial to the “irish potato famine” and a tucked away Jewish Labyrinth! All the while dialoguing on what’s “emerging” in Christendom, with some serious cheeky banter.

Plus having a freebee “Staten Island Ferry” ride, just ‘fer good measure and catching some off shore breezes.

I had to ponder at the 9/11 Twin Towers hole in the ground. All the barricades STILL present. Made me wonder about how long it takes for ground to heal and people to rebuild. It’s not like the obvious HOLE isn’t somewhat representative of many things still not restored. I have to say, i was a bit sickened by the stuff they were selling at St. Paul’s Chapel; making money off of other’s scars. I understand, that it’s “The little chapel that stood” admits the violent storm that happened that day and stands in a place of memorial, however, i can’t get past that “children’s story book” about the account that is selling in the store. end kvetch.

On my return trip back to Anthony & Michele’s i had my bag lost... i’ll say that cuz i’m not sure if i left it or it was nicked, as there was a dodgy fella next to me, and my radar to surroundings is more than high generally. After canceling all my credit cards and now facing being 2 more days in New York with no cash and no credit------- thankfully it was found, and i had to travel out to Brooklyn to get it. (lacking my cash, but still the rest of the contents in place, that was nothing short of a miracle!)

After that lil jaunt... got to spend the afternoon with my oldest and dearest friend, Billy Francis, aka Captain Francis of the Salvation Army in Times Square.

Dang that’s got some history to it.... (a tad too personal to share here, and that’s say’in something; suffice to say we were childhood sweethearts in a very tenuous time in our lives)

47th & 8th- wow, that brings back so many memories! OMG!

Last time i was there it was a dump! Now it’s a vibrant worship center with the sound of multicultural lil feet dancing and singing. Billy, you and i both know that it was and is a portent of what God can do with things when we give HIM permission in our hearts and lives!!!! God’s an expert in transformational work eh??????

Spending time with Billy and his amazingly beautiful wife Annalise touched a space in my soul that i didn’t know needed touching. It was the place of old and new with the consistency of Grace that is soooo lacking in this world. (esp. in Christendom)

It was also the same with Anthony and Michele... rich & deep, sharing life across kitchen tables. Being able to touch in and travel and still find “home” there. I’m gobsmacked and astounded at how deep it goes. (even in the drama’s of everyday life)

I’m truly grateful for those spaces ... thin places of being, where friendship and grace melt like fragrant oil and hot wax, filling the room with an intoxicating flame.

Spending time with friends that have walked with me in some very troublesome and yet GLORIOUS spot.

I guess that pretty much sums up my trip.

Grace that covers time and space.

Thank you so much Anthony and Michele for grace that covers on that trip. You guys are such a deep part of my spiritual family. i love you.

oh... and kinda liked this oxymoron:

'sum classic Jewish cheek!- ONLY IN NYC!

John & Caroline's Adventures!

2010-09-04T09:53:00.000-05:00

Our friends John & Caroline Cienki did some volunteer work @ CASA De NINOS, which is an orphanage in Mexico, for a month this summer. I loved the line on fixing the water piping system "that had been personally designed by satan". (i KNOW that had to be a "john comment!")

Thanks guys for putting this together and sharing your experience and your hearts... i know those kids got blessed amazingly. I love the servants hearts you carry and how you are ALWAYS looking for ways to bless those that "don't have", even when you're living a bit skint. Your Friendship has blessed us tremendously! We love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

james taylor - Something in the Way She Move - Live

2010-08-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

I guess, this song really reminds me of Holy Spirit...... i'll prolly piss a few off on this post... but honestly.... it's how Holy Spirit churns and swirls in the atmosphere. ok, nuff said......

James Taylor - Fire and Rain (Beacon Theatre)

2010-08-24T22:18:00.000-05:00

Been fee'in some JT..... ever get in those moods... ol friendly voice... that has better descriptors on the tongue than any french kiss could fashion. ?? ok.. well that's what some James does to my spirit.

Phil Keaggy "Salvation Army Band"

2010-08-18T04:25:00.000-05:00

Ok this one if for Billy Francis....... in Times Square...... oldest and dearest on so many levels..... Hats off to ya bro........ ps... "love what you've done with the place" ;-)

Love you man!

xocc

Rich Mullins - Sensationalism

2010-08-06T00:10:00.000-05:00

Gotta love his honesty here.......... he actually gets it.......... Die hard...... come on!!!!! This holds some meat!!!!!!

billy joel and elton john-the piano man

2010-08-03T01:32:00.000-05:00

Gotta love this duo... such the classic... such the story teller.... I really want to go to some open mic nights while i'm there.... I know Austin is the Live Music Capitol of the USA.... but the scene here is so much different.... a bit more intense.

So thank you for bearing with me as i'm fuel'in my jets!

xocat

The Entertainer _ Billy Joel

2010-08-03T01:28:00.000-05:00

Ha.... dang he learned the hard way... such ballsy charisma.... i love how he takes some punches at the industry.... and the fleeting fickle audience.

Billy Joel "She's Always A Woman" HD

2010-08-03T01:21:00.000-05:00

I guess, this is why i think of NYC as a woman.... - I've always thought of Billy Joel as the quintessential New Yorker songster/story teller. His love for this city and his unabashed critiques of her has always kept it real....

Yup i'm in that NYC STATE OF MIND!

2010-08-03T01:12:00.000-05:00

Can ya tell what i'm thinkin?????????? Been too long.... i really like this clip cuz it's fast movin like NYC- and it hits highlights. I'll be stayin with my Bro out in Long Island... and i'm NOT taking a Greyhound Bus....

I met Billy Joel in Chelsea Sound Studio's in NYC a long time ago.. oh, yeah, i should say ... Billy Francis (oldest friend- God i love you Stubby!)- was working there, and i had crashed out on the couch... we had gone out to an Irish pub earlier...right PROPER one at that... (need i say more).. so i "met him" while sleeping... woke up enough to say hello.. but ... well, can't say i remember it. I've met Susan Vega, Susan Sarandon, James Taylor, and Bob Dillon (just to name a few) ... plus some of a bit unknows that have gotten some major lookie at... John Gorka, Jamie Heath, Steven Kelly, and Harris Goodman.....all in pubs down on Bleaker St.... those years of open mic nights in smoky bars and then the all night dinners that served beer till 3am!

There are a lot of things i miss about the North East.... fast banter and quick wit mostly... and that "no B.S" mentality ... It's been a long time that this Jersey Girl has been living in the South.... and for the most part, have adjusted well. Some of the slower and softer ways have been good, but ya just can't get the North East out of me... the culture... the diversity... the DRIVING....

There is something about the kinetic nature of that City.... it's scrappy boxer like, quick walking pace.. looking and being aware of the perimeter. I've always like sitting where i can see the door... i clock the exits... bit of a trauma compensatory strategy.. i know.... but the level of alertness is sorta needed.... yet when you enter it... with that awareness .... you can actually RELEASE deeper in some strange way. All the movement is sorta like the ocean at high tide, it's fun to play in.. but you do have to be a bit cautious with the rip tides that draw ya out and really need to remember if you're caught in them, not to struggle against it , but ride along with it, knowing that at some point it will bring ya in on the land... but if you panic or get fearful, you can wear yourself out and die in the struggle.

Some sense that NYC is a masculine City... but to me she's a very focused female that knows what she wants... even the driving ... (that many kvetch about) is fluid, there is an order and a dance in it... basically, my rule is... (and i tell others) "don't hesitate" drive with purpose and people feel it and you can maneuver pretty easily. (barring 5:00 traffic on the L.I.E or down town Manhattan at the same time) It's a grid basically....... reminds me of "fish-net stockings" quite sexy- and also Lady Like in ways..... she's Classic in her style and not afraid to glam it out a bit at times...

Many think of it as a gray and cold, but it's got such colour in it... esp the Food! She does wear Grey and Black well.... the shape, cuts and fit and contrasting texture, with some nice solid high heeled boots! I'm gonna be on quest for some kewl black NYC boots!!! that's what i'm going to do. She is Lady Liberty to the extreme... and in my eyes.... such a Queen!

Mumford & Sons : I Gave You All : ICA London : 4 March 2009

2010-08-02T00:25:00.000-05:00

I love this one...... dang it.. heat is smokin....

Mumford & Sons - Sister (live & unplugged, Munich 2009)

2010-08-02T00:21:00.000-05:00

Love these guys....

"Poison & Wine" | The Civil Wars | OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO [HD]

2010-07-30T08:27:00.000-05:00

ouch......

Play or Fold?

2010-07-24T16:04:00.000-05:00

Listening to Jars of Clay... “Frail”.... (really haven’t checked on what they have been up to lately... funny how that goes with music and seasons of life)- but i guess the comfort in that song is the acknowledgment of how frail we really are....

Thinking back today on some of the things my dad used to say... he was quite cheeky at times and often living in his own world. However, he used to say that “christians should be the happiest people in world, because they know they are “saved”.” I used to get annoyed about that, because i felt like he lived in a world of denial on many matters.. and those words just felt a bit hollow.

Then again, i knew there was some truth in it... “the Joy of the Lord is my strength” parts and all that. And yes, when we are living in His Joy there is strength, yet at the same time there is the Jeremiah like lament (weeping prophet)... that longed to see the wholeness.

I’m thinking about all those prophetic words that have been spoken over me in the past... some have been “shelved” and are a bit dusty. All the glimmers of revelation that HE has imparted in my heart... that due to my cynical nature, i’ve let go of ... or at least hold them out at arms length staring at with a bit of a raised eyebrow. It’s not complete disbelief on matters, more like what is manifested in the here and now, doesn’t seem to line up on what has been spoken or promised.

I’m also thinking of the words in revelation... 12:10

Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: "Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.”

and........................

Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right hand to accuse him.- Zechariah 3:1

Think of that for a minute..... Joshua is STANDING BEFORE the angel of the Lord... (the phrase Angel of the Lord - refers to Christ in this matter.... emphasis on “THEE Angel of the Lord”... and Satan is standing at his right side. ... (typically sword side) to accuse him.... if that ain’t balls, i don’t know what is.....)

It seems none of us are immune from the “lies of the enemy”, where the “Accuser” puts forth a case against us, that makes us question all of what we know as “truth in God”. Even pitting brother against brother per say, in that our shadows seem more real than flesh and bone. Then, there are the places i’ve agreed with my “accuser” on matters, taking on the persona of lies and acting them out, i guess because it seems easier than standing in and on the truth that i know. Knowing often seems elusive at best, some formlessness ether like in fragmented texture.

Some deal with that by staying in what i consider the “christian bubble”... and i guess that’s needed for seasons... place of protection is my sense. Conference junkies... (and i’ve been one too during times of high intensity where all i’ve really needed is a space where the Spirit seems to be flowing and the enemy’s darts don’t seem to be able to penetrate ... or at least if they hit, can be pulled out under Holy Spirit sedation where it’s not as painful).

But i can’t really stay in those spaces... as where i work is filled with harsh realities and heart breaking situations. I’m thinking of a 27 year old woman i met yesterday, who is diagnosed with end stage lymphoma and is paralyzed from the chest down, due to the tumor that is pressing on her spine. She’s got 5 children and a prognosis of 6 months to live. How’s that for a reality kicker. (while i was bitching this morning on the traffic in getting into work) I was working on her legs, which hasn’t moved in months, but her sensation is still intact ... so it was painful - yet necessary ... and through the tears, (her’s and mine)- by the end she was feeling a lot better, pain levels decreased by more than 70%, and she could sit up without back pain. Small portion of peace in the middle of confounding realities and fears.

So it got me thinking of the frailty of life and that in the end we are all dying from the moment we take our first breath. Sometimes for me ... it feels easier than living......... (and i’m saying that in the full acknowledgement that my heart can be as fickle and as drastically changing like the texas sky)

Yet, Jesus loved life... even knowing all that he would have to walk through... from cheering and praise riding a donkey into Jerusalem ... to the mocking while carrying a cross.

How do i let Jesus (cuz really that is an act of our will agreeing with His)- live through me - that i love life as much as He did and does... and where does it fit in that He came to give life Abundantly. Yes, it can all get rather theological and heady in spaces, but what i’m asking is on a visceral and kinetic level.

Neal T Anderson calls it “truth encounters” where we exchange those lies for truth.

"The major strategy of Satan is to distort the character of God and the truth of who we are. He can't change God and he can't do anything to change our identity and position in Christ. If, however, he can get us to believe a lie, we will live as though our identity in Christ isn't true."

I know my life has been a mixture of conundrums, conjectures and juxtapositions. I get told i’m a “leader”... and all those eloquent soliloquies that tend to stroke ego (and a couple other phrases i’ll leave out here)..... but i’m a reluctant one at best... knowing far too well my flaws and soulish leanings on matters.

I try to keep things real, and that means being honest on my “not so hot days”. ...

But culture (including “christian culture”)- doesn’t often allow for that much honesty-
"Humankind cannot bear very much reality."
T. S. Eliot

one of my fav quotes.... i often refer to “Eliot” as the “T.S”- meaning “tough shit”.

We all have those dark spaces where we only allow few to know.. often times those spaces are needed to hash out and even flesh out... when we are coming out of our skin and need to be reminded through touch... that we actually do have a frame and the ache is real.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
Henri Nouwen

.

yet... i remember Steve Thompson (awesome teacher at Morningstar/ though not quite yer “pastoral type” if you know what i mean....) saying....
“honest is awesome, but don’t go up to your brother and tell him you have been harboring hatred towards him and think he’s an ass, cuz the fruit of that wouldn’t be good... some things... just confess to the Heavenly Father and leave it at the Cross.. knowing that God knows the confession of your heart and trusting He will work out the flesh parts in it”.

I guess that goes back to the “life giving parts”..... what’s not life giving really does need to be laid at the cross, yet also being honest with my own heart.. that people wound... and friends wound deeper due to heart approximation.

How can i bring life... even when i feel my life ebbs away on matters? When hopes and dreams feel like they’ve fallen on rocky soil, where the birds of the air seem to feast on them. Where wormwood (ps... wormwood is a hallucinogenic -medical tid bit there) eats holes in the fabric of things.

Part of the reason i hold to the “Mystics” is because they were really transparent on matters. They spent enough time in the desert of their own hearts that they know they are empty with the exception of HIM.... they chose some of the isolation in order to be fully present on other matters.

I’ve had incredible encounters with HIM... so astounding and breath taking, that the thought of moving beyond them - back into the painful reality of the day to day, mundane tent making parts of things, made me wish to die in that moment to hold to it...
I’ve often asked the Lord on matters.......... “why not know your salvation, be delivered and you just take me home?” It seems a lot easier than transversing this terrain of human fickle emotions and being tossed and plundered by the waves of circumstance... where even the simplest of annoyances rock my mood to the point of saying *&@* it.

He’s pretty faithful to remind that part of us being the Body of Christ ... in the here and now..... and in the HEAR and now... means walking with HIM in it.... that Healing isn’t the main goal... but growing closer to HIM in the painful places is the point. - and reminds me of Graham Cooke’s point when he approached Abba on that matter.. where God quickly quipped back..... “what part of ME can you know, NOW,...that in another other situation ... you could not have?”

I’ve challenged that in many places... letting my soulish parts dare God to love me.... even that unspoken but screaming cry from my heart that says......... “Can you love me NOW.... even in THIS MESS???”

I’ve even trusted people with the crevices of my heart... daring them on some matters..... “can you love me now?” Even taken well meaning “gifts” - just to squander .... with a hidden part of my heart that is questioning their motives .... just to see if they were really real.......

Bottom line........ i really TEST everything on matters.... (oh, i’m a bit of a gambler- did i say)... but holding some cards really close to my chest.

Yet, if i’m really honest, it’s fear that dictates that....

I used to be a performer ... i was shit at doing “cover songs”... only thing i was really good at was doing my own stuff.... funny thing is... even on my shit days on being in front of an audience... i never really got any negative response... more like..... “wow... that was really raw, i felt that... “

Perhaps that was and is more my writing style... more “well felt than well written”... and that’s a quote that i got on one of my many english papers... (funny thing was the Prof. that commented on that, was a bit of a twat on matters.... Nothing could be good enough for him, and he was really harsh with his responses- quite the critical spirit... and i knew what he was looking for in the paper, but purposed NOT to go there... and just wrote from a heart space... )book response “virginia Wolf” actually,) - got an A on it for whatever that is worth, but the part that made me giggle was i knew i was taking him out of his critical element and saying... “ok, what are you gonna do with this ... grade it?”

sorry for the tangental moment, but it’s more to do with where i’m at in the looking at the grand picture of things and why i question so much.... even to the point of questioning LIFE IN HIM.

I guess, some of that is my Spirit is more alive than my flesh on things.... I can feel things in the Spirit in an instant... yet in my soulish parts ... i can remain numb to action on what i actually KNOW in my spirit.

The Irish call these “Thin Places”... where the veil is made permeable from one plane to the next, specifically the the veil that parts the heavenly from the earthly plane; but i think there are “other” - “thin places” ... between soul and spirit .. internally. Where we vacillate ... even vibrate... shake.... and shimmy between. Where we know one thing and do another (paul’s lament there)....... things i want to do, i don’t, - the things i don’t want to do ... i do.......... parts.

Living and Dying is a thin space....... the more we live for Him, the more we die to self... and that’s a painful one, because that means trusting ........ in Him..... and HIM...in each other........

I guess, since i am a gambler on matters... that means putting my hand in for another round.... even if my cards are a bit crap.... i’m willing to risk life....... since death is an easy fold.

Rich Mullins - If I Stand (Wheaton College 1997)

2010-07-23T01:39:00.000-05:00

Ya know.. sometimes Rich just brings it home. We all need that grace to fall on somedays. -