Blogging is a Moving Meditation.

BLOGGING as a MOVING MEDITATION: Liminality's thin passage untangles as it weaves, fits in the ineffable nooks and crannies of my heart's prayer wall, like the cracks in pavement, mile markers on the road, windblown whimsical napkin poems written in eyeliner.

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Harsh Transitions and some closing salutations to a difficult season....................

I know some of you have been wondering just what is going on.
( i know some who don't give a flying... so wondering just what you are doing on my blog)

It's been a pretty heartbreaking year and a half for me to say the least and not even really sure i know where to begin.

i could talk about the lovely Wedding of Jenna and Samuel Jones and the trip to New Zealand.... but not just yet....

This year and a half contained a lot of loss.... and was soul laden in heaviness.
My sister was diagnosed with cancer and on the cusp of another surgery was informed by my husband that he was leaving the marriage. Then my sweet dog Selah needed to be put down and 6 months after that i lost my job and after that was cut off in communication from friends that i thought would be there for life. To say that was painful would be minimizing ... it was brutally painful. Painful to the extent that i really did just want to die. Seemed easier.... so some things DID DIE. I put my trust in some friends on matters of heart, just to be told i was being "too negative". I'm still a bit gobsmacked on all the matters above and i'm in the sorting of emotions in my soul.
It's not that i was wallowing in self-pity on things. It's just when you are hit with a tsunami, it DOES take some time to adjust. In all of this... i was still trying to be obedient as in what was on my plate during that time. Praying for the fruit in that still, as it felt like being stretched to capacity and still wanting to love well the people God was bringing through the door.

Word to the Wise.... (from someone who wasn't so wise) Take the time you need and DO NOT LISTEN to JOB's Friends.
I heard all sorts of critiques on my character and the blighting felt quite merciless; actually it WAS MERCILESS.

Of course i took those critiques to heart and looked at them with some measure of seriousness.

We all screw up... flesh out.... and react from hurt. I'm pretty honest with my crap almost to self deprecating levels. I know there are places in my heart that were so wounded as a child that rejection, betrayal and abandonment are my "big three" in targets.

It would be nice if i were just immune to those things, however, when they are continually being reinforced, it's rather difficult to just pretend they don't hurt.
They DO hurt and for the record, Abba was quite clear that my reactions as well as some of my more holier responses were normal.
I do want to respond rather than react. However that does NOT go over well when you are establishing some boundaries in relationships.
I tend to forgive quickly. That's good and bad. Good in the sense that it IS what God wants so that bitterness does not set in and take hold. Bad in the sense that unless i make it clear that this type of repetitive pattern from people that "love me" isn't acceptable, it will happen again.

The part that i've had a really hard time with has been the lack of understanding and grace; in that what i was walking thru didn't need the critiques and character assaults. i really just needed Mercy for my heart, Compassion for my soul, Safe touch for my body and Sanity for my mind.
All that comes with just being "with" in the process and not trying to "fix it". I'm so thankful to those that were the mouth piece/peace of grace and mercy. Funny it came from the oddest of friends.... some i've know for over 20 years and some i had just met.

One living acts of compassion came from my friends John and Caroline. They jumped in and moved in with me! (and tolerated my vegetative state sitting in front of TV watching "Grey's Anatomy" till i fell asleep, only to wake and turn it on again) Was i escaping?... erm, OF COURSE! But also i found some level of comfort that the show depicted life and death trauma and how people process things differently. It reminded me that i didn't loose my legs or arms or have a stroke or any of the like; things that working in healthcare for over 20 years i saw on a daily level. (Which has kept my perspective on severity) It also reinforced that the losses i have encountered were and ARE real and there are stages of Grief with all loss.

So thankful for my spiritual mom, Kathy for her endless hours on the phone reminding me that i wasn't crazy and that my heart was amazing. My own mom MaryJane had cut both me and my sister off in communication years ago, so to have a dear friend like Kathy that functions in a "mother capacity" when needed has been life giving!
I also contacted my old counselor Dan, from years ago.... It was good to hear a male perspective on matters and he is a wiz at cognitive reasoning skills!

It wasn't that i walked through all this without help. I aggressively sought it out. My analytical skills can be stellar in situations outside of myself and i'm aware of that; however you can not do heart surgery on yourself!

Long to short, when the job loss happened, i had two choices. Pursue what i have done or pack up and sell the house and leave. Of course i did both.... i put my house up on the market after having it repainted and things fixed. (that list seemed endless and further overwhelmed me to where i almost shattered- THANK YOU John for skills that are beyond me and Josh for the help with packing- I could have NOT done it with out you guys!)

I looked for a job, but the only things that were coming up were PRN (as needed) assignments, that were in settings that would just further depression. I cried out to God in that space and there was A lot of tears.
So i put the proverbial fleece out..... "Lord, if you want me to go to New Zealand to be at Sam and Jenna's wedding and hang with those amazingly crazy nomadic Jones's, then please sell this house in 6 weeks or if you want me to stay and pursue a job in Austin, then make it abundantly clear. amen"
i'm not sure how many that are reading this have sold a house before, but it's exceedingly stressful. Having to keep it looking shiny and happy when my heart was dingy and sad was taking it's toll. My patience was short, people scattered (the same people that promised to support and help) and the weight of everything manifested in my body. My left shoulder and neck locked up and was a 9/10 on a pain scale and i could barely move never mind pack boxes and clean floors. Finally after 3 bogus low ball offers i had had enough. I stormed in the house praying loudly and basically broke off every violating word that had been spoken over my heart and mind. I cut soul ties with EVERYONE.... (thanks for the template Reagan!) I severed unrequited love & loyalty and broke every vow of false alliance & allegiance. May sound a bit extreme, but honestly, hand on heart, it was extreme measures for extreme circumstances. I knew it was warfare. The enemy was out to destroy me and i was not about to just give in to that type of assault. I'm sure some of my ways were more than difficult for people to understand and my emotional swings hit an all time high. It wasn't pretty and i'm not about to make an all inclusive apology to those that might have gotten hit by the stuff going through the fan. I'm still washing my clothes from some of "ya all's" shit too. I DO love and continue to love in all of this; though now my tolerance for such immaturity is at an all time low.

Finally i had a bonafide offer and the ensuing time line drag of inspections and appraisals.
This stuff was difficult as well because everything was put under a microscope. I was in enough introspection already and to have that type of "white glove" test was more than disconcerting.
I felt the Father (Abba) hand on matters though... and even in the midst... there was comfort that HE really was ON things and Jesus was contending FOR me.... Holy Spirit kept whispering promises in my ear. Part of me wanted to reject them as everything else was sore and painful to touch. However, it's the "knowing better" parts of things. Sometimes that sounds trite and unhelpful, but when i look at it from His perspective, we really Do know better when we Know HIM in it.
The stress and the pressure was still building and now it was about everything coming together to get me on a plane. Clearing out a house and purging from 2,200 sq feet down to a 8x10 storage unit was quite the quest. Paying everyone "off" and closing all accounts stretched my already waining admin skills to the point of a large bottle of whisky going rather quickly! (resulting in further fodder for judgement!- LOL)
The house closed on a monday and i was on a plane for New Zealand on tuesday!
Off to an amazing Wedding to be with friends that are like family and to a land where the colours and textures are vast and beautiful.

Things are still in transition and i'm sure He's gonna download and process more in my heart and Spirit. So this is just the beginning. I'm starting over and that's scary, daunting, a bit crazy and exciting. I'm in the country of middle earth and remembering not to sleep with the elves. (inside joke) I'm trusting ruthlessly that He is up to some amazing things because He doesn't just leave, nor reject or betray. It's just The King and I on this part of the journey.... oh and the crazy cool circus of people with whom i'm traveling.
More to come and already storing away moments and memories that are hopeful and healing.
Onward and upward.. the show must go on and all those nice idioms........