Sunday, October 21, 2012
Fleshing out fear....
"As soon as our own safety is threatened, we tend to grab the first stick or gun available, telling ourselves that our survival is what really counts even if thousands of others are not going to make it. Aren't we so insecure that we will snatch at any form of power that gives us a little bit of control over who we are, what we do, and where we go?
I know my sticks and guns. Sometimes my stick is a friend with more influence than I; sometimes my gun is money or a degree; sometimes it is a little talent that others don't have; and sometimes it is special knowledge, or a hidden memory, or even a cold stare. I will grab it quickly and without much hesitation when I need it to stay in control. And before I realize it, I have pushed my friends away."- Henri Nouwen-
Power, Powerlessness and Power.
I so have the ability to knee jerk it on matters when i'm feeling out of control. Screw it sorta way- (yes, that was my milder version, for those of you who already know i toned that down)- I'm More so now asking God to help me steward my reactions to a loving response. Tall order for this quick trigger Jersey Girl.- oh and practice is Abounding; seemingly everywhere i turn.
Came across the above Nouwen quote the other day and it's been up in my grill so to speak; sorta like a big buck with antlers crashing through my window. I don't like that part of my wounded heart.
I'm quicker on measures these days, when i see it or feel it rising up in my heart to lay it down at His feet.
It's in those times i put "worship" up in my house at stadium volumes just to shake off that fear.
What Nouwen was talking about is when fear rises up.
I'm learning to humbly say "i'm scared"; without fleshing out in a harsh and destructive manner.
What i mean by that is to acknowledge that YES, i'm afraid right now, i'm not sure what ground i'm standing on, not sure on if i trust God providing, not sure if i'll ever experience love again, not sure i want to, not sure i want to be close to people, not sure i even want to be touched. (ps that's say'in a lot, i know)
But i don't see a way around it, the only way it through it. I'm not talking begrudgingly shrugging my shoulders, in a "whatever, He's gonna do what He wants to do anyway" sort of way. But more so a joining hands with My Abba and ask Him to guide me through the seemingly scary and dark spaces of my heart. It's where i humbly say "I choose to trust you, even in my fearful parts, because Your Love is covering me; even if my fickle feelings betray my spirit."
Oh, some of this should be simple in a childlike way, but this childlike heart of mine, that loves to jump into Abba's arms; also tends to squirm in His Hand.
Well, that's where i'm at and what i'm pondering today. Though there is more simmering on the brains back burner.
Jesus Help... Amen.