Blogging is a Moving Meditation.

BLOGGING as a MOVING MEDITATION: Liminality's thin passage untangles as it weaves, fits in the ineffable nooks and crannies of my heart's prayer wall, like the cracks in pavement, mile markers on the road, windblown whimsical napkin poems written in eyeliner.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Fleshing out fear....

‎"As soon as our own safety is threatened, we tend to grab the first stick or gun available, telling ourselves that our survival is what really counts even if thousands of others are not going to make it. Aren't we so insecure that we will snatch at any form of power that gives us a little bit of control over who we are, what we do, and where we go?
I know my sticks and guns. Sometimes my stick is a friend with more influence than I; sometimes my gun is money or a degree; sometimes it is a little talent that others don't have; and sometimes it is special knowledge, or a hidden memory, or even a cold stare. I will grab it quickly and without much hesitation when I need it to stay in control. And before I realize it, I have pushed my friends away."- Henri Nouwen-
Power, Powerlessness and Power.

I so have the ability to knee jerk it on matters when i'm feeling out of control.  Screw it sorta way- (yes, that was my milder version, for those of you who already know i toned that down)- I'm More so now asking God to help me steward my reactions to a loving response.  Tall order for this quick trigger Jersey Girl.- oh and practice is Abounding; seemingly everywhere i turn.

Came across the above Nouwen quote the other day and it's been up in my grill so to speak; sorta like a big buck with antlers crashing through my window.   I don't like that part of my wounded heart.
I'm quicker on measures these days, when i see it or feel it rising up in my heart to lay it down at His feet.
It's in those times i put "worship" up in my house at stadium volumes just to shake off that fear.

What Nouwen was talking about is when fear rises up.

I'm learning to humbly say "i'm scared"; without fleshing out in a harsh and destructive manner.

  What i mean by that is to acknowledge that YES, i'm afraid right now, i'm not sure what ground i'm standing on,  not sure on if i trust God providing, not sure if i'll ever experience love again, not sure i want to, not sure i want to be close to people, not sure i even want to be touched.  (ps that's say'in a lot, i know)

But i don't see a way around it, the only way it through it.  I'm not talking begrudgingly shrugging my shoulders, in a "whatever, He's gonna do what He wants to do anyway" sort of way.  But more so a joining hands with My Abba and ask Him to guide me  through the seemingly scary and dark spaces of my heart. It's where i humbly say "I choose to trust you, even in my fearful parts, because Your Love is covering me; even if my fickle feelings betray my spirit."

Oh, some of this should be simple in a childlike way, but this childlike heart of mine, that loves to jump into Abba's arms; also tends to squirm in His Hand.

Well, that's where i'm at and what i'm pondering today.   Though there is more simmering on the brains back burner.    
Jesus Help... Amen.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Some things are just too good not to post... though they do make me ponder deeper, they are also an invitation to live deeper.....    Thank you Henri Nouwen for being a voice in the wilderness of my heart.

"If God is found in our hard times, then all of life, no matter how apparently insignificant or difficult, can open us to God’s work among us. To be grateful does not mean repressing our remembered hurts. But as we come to God with our hurts—honestly, not superficially—something life changing can begin slowly to happen. We discover how God is the One who invites us to healing. We realize that any dance of celebration must weave both the sorrows and the blessings into a joyful step.  I once saw a stonecutter remove great pieces from a huge rock on which he was working. In my imagination I thought, That rock must be hurting terribly. Why does this man wound the rock so much? But as I look longer, I saw the figure of a graceful dancer emerge gradually from the stone, looking at me in my mind’s eye and saying, “You foolish man, didn’t you know I had to suffer and thus enter into my glory?” The mystery of the dance is that its movements are discovered in the mourning. To heal is to let the Holy Spirit call me to dance, to believe again, even amid my pain, that God will orchestrate and guide my life."

— Henri Nouwen from “Turn My Mourning into Dancing”

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Standing in the tremors of shifting.............

I've pretty much committed to maintain a level of vulnerABILITY on this blog, with the stress point on the "ability" in the vulnerable.   Seems like the resounding part of shaking what can be shaken....and that place of  "Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm." Eph. 6:13

Standing on what feels like shaky ground presently. Talking to Abba about it all this morning and felt like HE said this to my heart:

"Even the world says "hold your peace" ("keep calm and carry on") sort of way. The church even speaks of "holding your peace." But peace is not merely a calming feeling. I AM your PEACE. Your Shalom. I AM the LIVING SHALOM. 

I have already declared it over you.

("Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27)
It is MY peace, not something you can conjure up or strive for..... It is the Living Word of MY Shalom that is Jesus. Let MY PEACE-JESUS inhabit you. Hold on to MY PEACE Cathryn and Let MY PEACE HOLD YOU, for My Son is the Prince of Peace."

So Lord, Hold me in Your Peace as a child on the El Shaddai (double breasted one) as well as the place that you created me a warrior, to Stand ON YOUR peace and see the battles from Your perspective Abba. Thank you for Your Living Peace. amen.

Tuesday, October 09, 2012