Blogging is a Moving Meditation.

BLOGGING as a MOVING MEDITATION: Liminality's thin passage untangles as it weaves, fits in the ineffable nooks and crannies of my heart's prayer wall, like the cracks in pavement, mile markers on the road, windblown whimsical napkin poems written in eyeliner.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

seems like everything is a TEST...

For the past couple years, seems EVERYTHING has been a TEST...  a test of my will, a test of my heart, a test of my ability to stand, a test of my ability to Love, a test of trust, a test of how much i actually give a shit,  a test of of how far i can go with out going over the edge.

Did i mention I bloody well HATE tests, and i feel like i've failed miserably on most matters.  

So i've got State Boards tomorrow- for "massage therapy".  You'd think that considering i've been doing this stuff for 15 years +, that would be a breeze... but the amount of extraneous information that is on the myriad of random questions has me feeling less than confident.

I know i'm a smart cookie and all that, but really when it comes down to the Art of test taking, i feel more like a 2 year old with a shitty box of crayons and i'm not sure how to colour in the lines.

Now if you gave me a "case based" situation and what i would do.... or not do........  i'm stellar.

But that doesn't seem to be how people grade things.  It's normally some ratio of how many times you "fuck up", which usually counts twice as much in relationship to how many times you actually "show up" in ability;  which doesn't seem quite fare on matters.

yeah, well, i'm a bit brutally honest on most things i'm crap at, yet have an amazing capacity to cover those i love when they are crap.  Makes for a wondrous tug of war in my heart; though i do think it's worth it... and will keep being ME in the process.

I guess that comes down to performance based scenarios.... which i'm basically shit at.  I used to be good in "open mike" night scenario... but it was raw..   Smokey filled bars and odd hours, where you could just be in that space and share a bit from the depths and not worry about if it was "commercial enough".    Kudos to my mates that can carry that level of performance... you guys do it well.
But that's not really me.

I've thought long and hard this week on how i tend to choke on things when it comes down to the wire or the nitty gritty.  I've had someone ask "Where has your fight gone" recently.   I don't have a good answer on that one...    Perhaps it's just the tiresome nature of the fight...  i'd much rather fight for someone than for myself on some matters.  One of my dearest friends said to me... "Cathryn, you don't EVER do things small."  Meaning i excel brilliantly and fail with apparent gasconade.

I kinda like the Luther quote:   Be a sinner, and let your sins be strong (sin boldly), but let your trust in Christ be stronger, and rejoice in Christ who is the victor over sin, death, and the world.

I so sorta do that well in matters- sin boldly, yet still fall on the grace parts in Christ.  

So i guess this is a quite public visceral rant on matters... feeling rather frail and quite under-stood.  Not the pity party, more so the emoting aspects on matters. 

Hoping and praying i do well, not just in this test - but in the other ones... and praying some hold some grace out for my heart and still believe for the good in me. 

Isn't that what we all are praying for on matters... to be seen honestly for who we are, but to be seen Hopefully for all that is the Hope in us...... which of course is Jesus. 


  1. Anonymous12:49 AM

    Love the stigmata. :)

    I hear you - I know I'm doing some shifting as I feel I've said all I can on some matters and I need to focus on where the energy is and not try to create energy where it ain't.

    Prayers with you tomorrow. Call or email me if you need to chat afterward.


  2. Well sis, ya gotta know, HE loves you in it all.
    Grace when ya stand, Abundant Grace when ya fall.
    Clean pants or poopy pants, steppin' up or fucked up,
    He Loves you, He's with you
    In it all.

    Prayers and hugs from a fellow ragamuffin!