Sunday, January 09, 2011
Faith and screwing up.
Sometimes i like to use these fonts because my handwriting is atrocious - i was told that lousy handwriting was a sign of genius and if that’s the case my IQ should be amazing... however i don’t think the nuns in grammar school thought that.
I was always getting into some sort of trouble back then, mostly because i challenged the “religious thought”. Always asking those questions that had difficult answers and wouldn’t be satisfied with “because i said so” or “it’s a mystery”.
Kinda glad God didn’t mind them so much... even though i argued with HIM too... and at times ignored HIM.
Mostly, when i ignored HIM.. i made really poor decisions - i was reminded of that the other day in a conversation with a friend.
So i got me thinking of the reasons why i perhaps only listen to HIM 65-70% of the time. Why i struggle with being rebellious. It’s usually when i’m really frustrated on some matter; particularly when it’s matters of my heart. It’s also during those times that i forget my identity, i forget who i am in I AM. It’s not that i “actually” forget in a memory sense, but in an action sense.
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Romans 7:15
“The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.” Galatians 5:17
“but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.” Romans 7:23
Thankfully, God’s got a better memory than me... and HE remembers who i am ... and HIS actions trump mine. HE keeps loving, HE keeps forgiving, HE keeps granting me grace through the completed work of the Cross.
That’s not an excuse for my actions by any means... it’s the reminder that keeps me going back to the Love of God. What is true... what is Holy... What is loving.
When i act out in a way “not becoming of who i am”, it basically puts me back under the Law of sin.. and with that comes regret, shame, self hatred and all the like. If i allow myself to stay in that space, it just reinforces it and then i deny further by not allowing the Love of God in His mercy to come and cover me.
I’ve had a few conversations over the past 2 months with some peeps, that in their words... “keep fucking up”.- (which my typical comment is... “last time i checked we all do”.) But the answer often lies a lot deeper than behavioral modification .. and the “well, just say no” bullshit that so easily gets slapped on like a band-aide on a gaping wound.
One of the things Jesus said to me was...
“All sin comes from pain.”- I know He wasn’t being flippant with that.. because there was such compassion that came with it. I was struggling on matters and yes, i was in pain. So it was a revelation moment for my heart.
Instead of taking that pain to HIM .. .. i was acting out in a self sabotage manner. I was seeking out distraction in order not to deal with the hurt.
We all do it in one way or another... sometimes for me it’s simply getting lost for hours in front of a T.V.- and other times i’ve put myself in a lot more danger and my actions would also effect/affect others.
Some of that pain is from not seeing “Promises” that i know has come from HIM, yet to manifest.
That’s one of the biggest struggles for my heart.
I’ve cried out to God on those matters... and i often feel alone in the standing in gap spaces. I get really frustrated by seemingly a silent heaven.
I know HE is working in all of it, really at the core i do, but my heart feels so much of the waiting angst that at moments i just want Jesus to take me home. That’s often where the enemy whispers shit ... the “did God REALY say” stuff... straight back to the Garden on that matter. Since that lie is so old, you'd think he'd come up with a better one, but it's still effective enough i guess he doesn't have to! The assault in those moments makes me question my own sanity for even hoping. I’ve gotten in some really black depressions as a result. At that point, it’s all i can do to keep my head above water and put one foot in front of the other walking in faith. So bottom line is i have to keep going back to Him, even when things feel unbearable and say “Lord forgive me, i DO believe... HELP my unbelief and help me not deny who i am in you when i'm in pain. Heal my heart Abba."