Blogging is a Moving Meditation.

BLOGGING as a MOVING MEDITATION: Liminality's thin passage untangles as it weaves, fits in the ineffable nooks and crannies of my heart's prayer wall, like the cracks in pavement, mile markers on the road, windblown whimsical napkin poems written in eyeliner.

Friday, December 30, 2011

get to keep both your ears... is important in music- Shelia Walsh and Rich Mullins.

i love how he gets the scribble!
i love how she gets "then we get to keep both our ears".
both of which had breakdowns... that were break - thru's - thanks for the reminder on how to keep it freak'in real.

Rich Mullins Concert Part #5

I see why - "God is right and why the rest of us are just guessing!" - i so get Rich in this vid.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

in an 80's retro mode... Vega rocks.

been think'in on how there were some really profound women that were a staple for my musical diet.  - rich food.

to battles well fought....

in all the retrospect over this year... i guess this is a prayer for the fallen....
since the enemy wages war against our hearts and souls as well.................
this is a salute in the spirit...... for battles well fought.
for all of you that have "laid down their lives for a brother"...... there is no greater love. -
rest well in that awareness.

God with Skin on

So it’s the end of this year and i’m in the big process mode on many matters.  It would be so nice to be able to compartmentalize things into simple, straight forward, very square boxes.  Unfortunately, this is not how my brain operates.

I had a dream the other night in which i was being chased by 4 very bad dudes that wanted to do me harm.  (i’m so minimizing in that previous sentence ... but that’s because i don’t want to give it that much power)     Then when it finally looked like i was about to be “eliminated”; would be the operative word,  a dear friend showed up in the dream.... and really SHOWED UP... with love, authority and skill........................   I felt the rush of Angels come into the dream and pull me out.  (as though i was in another dimension)  -  

All pretty cool on some levels in retrospect... (but during it was an entirely different matter)-  and that is the really short version without trying to sacrifice accuracy for brevity.

I was terrified.  I’ve not run like that in a dream since i was a child.

There is enough symbology in the dream to sink the titanic to say the least.

Unpacking it from a strategical tactical level, soul-emotion level as well as practical spiritual level is always the long SELAH.

I use the term “practical spiritual level” in it’s most basic and functional meaning.    We tend to look at “spiritual” in superlatives; which granted ARE amazing.  

My basic “feeling” in the dream was fear.....   so what basic & practical levels can i deal with it through the Spirit.  “Perfect love casts out fear”.     In the dream, i had resigned myself that i was about to be taken out, if something didn’t have to happen pretty quickly.   Then a friend showed up, and i was actually surprised for a second, because, not only was it one of my most extraordinary friends, but they showed up for me.   I had to look back on it and wonder .... “why was i surprised that they showed up for me, when i know their character and their love for me?”

oh, big duh....

Since i know my friends aren’t perfect, hence, not being able to love perfectly it always takes me by surprised when i see His perfect love working through them; or ME in that matter!

I’m so glad God consistently understands my heart, for it give me grace to understand my heart’s fears, pains, joys and hopes; therefore extending that to others as well.

One of my biggest fears is abandonment.  Yes, it’s been there since a child, so it’s hard to shift an emotional imprint in soul DNA -if i may use that term; since some of that was effecting/affecting me IN uterine.   What i can do now is see that for what it was then and now how it tends to creeps back in to mess with my head.

I’ve gotten hit by that pretty hard these past few months.

I’m not too surprised that i would have a dream such as i did the other night.

I think abandonment is one of the most basic of fears on a primary survival level.   As babies and children our survival depends on another and if that other is removed or leaves; it can have devastating effects.

Piaget’s “object permanence” theory is a good humanistic example of how we operate.

“Jean Piaget argued that object permanence is one of an infant's most important accomplishments, as without this concept, objects would have no separate, permanent existence. In Piaget's theory of cognitive development infants develop this understanding by the end of the "sensorimotor stage," which lasts from birth to about 2 years of age.  Piaget thought that an infant's perception and understanding of the world depended on their motor development, which was required for the infant to link visual, tactile and motor representations of objects. According to this view, it is through touching and handling objects that infants develop object permanence.” wiki

So MY dilemma with the deeper issue of “Abandonment by God”, stems into of the lack of visual, tactile and motor aspects of His Presence.     The closest i come to the deep sensory integration pressure that is required to still my often wrest-less soul is only when i sense His Kabod; which is Hebrew word for weight or heaviness of God.

Sensory integration and motor development is such an issue.  Being sensitive to His leading Spirit and His Word to be able to mitigated all the fluxing and swirling of the emotional and physical world around us. Then being activated to MOVE with Him as “a cloud by day and a fire by night.”

To remember in all my fears, that He is permanency incarnate; but also shows up in daily human form to touch and lay hands to what is needed.

Thank you God that “surely your arm is not short.”  


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Friday, November 18, 2011

Selah on Shana

Had to do something really hard today- my sweet-- o’so sweet girl Selah went to go hang out in the celestial realm. 
I don’t really care about the “theology” factor here...  if there are living creatures around the throne, i know she’s hanging out somewhere THERE... and i hope she greets me at the gate when i do go home.
But it’s time to tell a story about how she came into my life.
I was going thru a really hard time back then-  my church home was falling apart, i was in the middle of divorce and i was trying to keep my head above water, at least not kill myself!-  (i’m so not joking)
I awoke that morning and felt the Lord say... “I’m giving you a dog today.” Pretty random, even for HIM i might add.... 
So i went about the things i had to do and even stopped at the “pound” to see if she was there.  (no gut feeling and i left, still wondering if i had heard Him clearly)
I was on my way to treat a little girl for a home visit and as i passed a “Gun Shop”- i heard the Lord say, “make a right”.  I thought.. huh? 
So i passed the first driveway... and then i heard Him say it again. 
I shrugged and thought, perhaps i can get a Glock! So i went in... and there were 2 dogs in a kennel.. with a sign that said “free dogs”.  My immediate wise-arse-isms to my Abba was... “ok, i heard single NOT plural God”  HE said, “the one that is left is yours.” 
Well, the next thing i knew i was playing with her, and there was a woman on the phone with her husband asking if she could have them both...  (her hubby said, no - only one... so she took the male)
I didn’t want her to feel the abandonment of her brother, so before i could even think, i said... “i’ll take her”.
Her name was “Shay”... and she sat on my lap as i drove “home”, which was a house i just rented with 2 girlfriends.
The entire ride, i was hearing the word “SHANA” and i thought, “wow, that’s a lot like her name, but why are you changing it Lord?- not even sure it was the Lord at that moment... 
So sure enough, got her home, and my girlfriend Lisa said, “well, Shana sounds like Selah and she is a ponder! you got her at a gun shop when God said make a right!”  So i started calling her Selah.  
About a month went by, and she was a handful... lots of energy, very VERY alert to anything around.. and a love bug.
Everyone that saw her said the same thing...  “She’s so BEAUTIFUL”.- it was the first thing out of their mouth.  
So i was drinking coffee, having a ciggy and reading “israel my glory” magazine... and there in the middle of the page was the word “SHANA”- the same word i heard while driving her home on my lap.  I almost dropped my coffee....  because it’s a Yiddish word and it means - “BEAUTIFUL”.  Well, there i sat, knowing God even gave me her name... and i missed it... lol!  I got her in a very “pondering “ space... (Selah means ponder)-  
She would answer to both.... (funny, i’ll still answer to Claudine - my birth given name, but Cathryn is what my Abba calls me.) 
God was doing His thang... again!  I was in the middle of crap flying thru the fan, my life falling apart and not sure which way was up at that time... and God goes and gives me a gift called “Beautiful”!  
She was smart......  really smart... (not always in a good i called her “Houdini” at times, because she could get out of anything... 
I then began to realize that she had some “gifts”...  She knew when Holy Spirit was present and she knew when the enemy was present.  She was my first warning signal when things were gonna get “heated” shall we say....
When ever someone needed ministry, she would do everything, including escaping a long lead chain. (she had a run in the yard)....  
One time, she was securely clipped on her run and she started barking... incessantly i might add.. and somehow, the next thing i knew, she was at the back door barking and slamming herself against the glass to get in.
 ( everyone that was there, knew, that it was basically impossible for that to have happened.)  She ran right up to the person that was in the middle of some deep deliverance and started licking their face and then running out the door... again and again, like she was pulling something out.  
When it first happened, the person manifested and yelled “i hate that dog!”... it didn’t stop her.....   All of us there were a bit gobsmacked....  Afterwards, the person that got “free” just played with her for the next hour... and said, “it was like she was pulling that thing out of me!”-  
I can’t explain all of that... just that if God spoke thru Balam’s Ass.... i guess, HE can use a dog in such things as deliverance. 
She was always alert to a battle approaching... she was always aware when i was breaking down and crying.... 
I guess, i would say she was a “rescue dog” of sorts....  shudda put a  flask around her neck like those St. Bernard’s!!!  (guess i kept that in my car) 
But she did rescue me on more than one occasion.
Her love was unconditional... and i think  that was part of God’s gift to me in that Beautiful Girl.  She never judged, she never was rude, she never depended upon my mood to love me and greet me at the door. 
She did have her bouts with temper... she once ATE a COUCH!- (not just a cushion... an entire couch, down to the metal frame that held the pull out bed!)
  i had gone away for the weekend, first time i left her for more than 48 hours... she not only ate the couch, she tore down the entire screening of a porch.  (and when i got home, promptly ran to my bed, jumped on it and peed right in front of me!)
  She got her point across.... she was angry at me and was fearful that i had not taken her with me....   i got the message, and from that point further, i made sure i “told” her where i was going and if i could take her i would.  
My favorite memory is when it was the Christmas after i got her.  I wanted to get away.  Away from a lotta things... So i rented a house on the “outer banks” of North Carolina....
For those of you that don’t know ... it’s a 7 hour + drive...   the weather was predicting a NorEaster... but i didn’t care, i like a good storm.  
So i took the drive, with snow blasting on my windshield...  
The road to the outer banks was just about covered with snow and sand, i couldn’t see really where the road was, i just stayed in this dip/valley of where the road “should be”... for about 4 hours.  I finally made it... (had my doubts a few times).
But there she was..... tail wagging... running around my Jeep.... all this energy.
She looked just as stoked by this storm as i was.  
So we went on the beach and the waves were huge... and there she was barking at the storm, as if she could push the waves back.  Then she started to play tag with the waves... i used to do that as kid.  
The house was on the beach... so we went back... put on some music and candles all around - and watched the storm from the deck.  
The next morning was brilliant... though the road had been basically washed out by the blowing sand and some of the ocean.  
We walked for hours.... 
i’m sure she’s walking now somewhere really beautiful.
Something strange happened today, as i was writing this....
The phone rang... the number said... 000-000-0000
so i picked it up.  There was just silence, then a voice, sounded like “sorta”  a  computer, but it was a female voice....  
it just simply said.... “good-bye”.
I don’t know how... i’m not even gonna try to explain...   She died at 12.00pm - the call was at 3:00...   somehow, i just know, it was God’s way of letting her say good-bye.      Selah.
Love you my ol’girl  .... Shana/Selah.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Step Up.

Watching “Grey’s Anatomy” - THANK GOD FOR NETFLIX RIGHT NOW.

For whatever reason there is comfort in it.  I’ve seen so much pain and heartache, and have been through much pain and heartache.  Even from early on, having a very traumatic childhood on matters; to working in a field that everyday, i see heartbreaking situations.  

I’ve screamed at the heavens.... asking “ARE YOU EVEN THERE- DO YOU SEE THIS STUFF.”    I’ve screamed and cried very loudly these last 2 months - too numerous to count.

20 years in health care ... professional distancing and or dissattachment can only go so far, because God made me to feel deeply.  Even my dissociation compensatory ability, due to my own trauma history, can only go so far. I understand PTSD all too well.  My soul seized and  “flat lined” on more that one occasion and i didn’t see a light at the end of that tunnel.
I have a breaking point.  We all do.

The byproduct of all of what i’ve endured, stood in the gap spaces and taken my sword out to fight............  is an incredible amount of understanding and compassion for others, as well as an incredibly low tolerance for bullshit.  Actually, i have NO tolerance for bullshit if i’m honest.  (that last comment is for an entirely different post- but one i need to write.)

Also being honest, it doesn’t change the impact on my soul/spirit- heart/mind.  I work best under extreme circumstances and pressure, as a result of all this and i’m good at what i do.

 But afterwards.... when i’m alone.... when i step back into my hearts skin, when the adrenalin and cortisol tide ebbs out of my veins, i cry. -  because it hurts like hell.
 It’s been said that tears release toxins from the body; the poison from what caused the pain.  I guess it’s the saline washing of the wounds.

I’m going through a lot right now, that’s no surprise to those that know me.  I’m not ok, and i’m NOT supposed to be.  I’m processing the grief and pain on every level.
My “naked dark side” has shown itself as well and that’s not pretty.  To those that have seen that aspect, (You know who you are!)    I’m sorry... and thanks for standing there and putting up with my shit, even when i’ve been drunk.  (At least i have good taste in Whisky)

While watching a Grey’s Anatomy’s episode today, my heart engaged again... i just wept.   Not because it was a dramatic TV show, but because, i’ve been there on so many levels. Standing by hospital beds watching the struggle for life as well as holding a hand as someone faced death.  I’ve said before Grief is Sneaky.  The episode ended in the following quote:

“Doesn’t matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, It changes our lives.. ... trauma messes everybody up; but maybe that’s the point.
All the pain, the fear and the crap... maybe that’s what keeps us moving forward.
It’s what PUSHES US.  Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can STEP UP."  (Episode 97- Elevator love letter)

So here’s to being messed up, moving forward and stepping up.  Jesus help... amen.

Monday, October 10, 2011

My weather

This summer has been more than brutal, both internally and externally.
My heart feels parched and cracking.  My body feels like dry bones and i'm also wondering IF they can live.  My soul feels like hopes water has been evaporated.

Here are some "weather" notes from this summer:

Lord Jesus, I'm not sure how much more i can take .... please Abba, i need some breakthroughs. Amen.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Converging Zone & Visionary Advancement Strategies!: Ten Traits of Narcissistic Leaders by Joseph Matte...

Converging Zone & Visionary Advancement Strategies!: Ten Traits of Narcissistic Leaders by Joseph Matte...: "By definition, a narcissist is a person who believes the world evolves around them to such an extent their own desires blind them to relatio..."

I've hesitated posting this for quite a number of reasons...  however, it's got me thinking again.  
I'm just gleaning a bit.........................- thought it was worth sharing - even though it might piss a few off.

Friday, September 23, 2011

CharisMystic ?

     I’m a CharisMystic not a charismatic.  Well, technically, i’m a “PoMo” : Postmodern  CharisMystic. 

Since growing up in the North East, there were not many times i was asked ... “where do you go to church?”.  
Considering how long i’ve been “down south”, it’s only in retrospect, that i find that rather odd.

It seems knowing your identity is really Key to  Sanity these days.   Well, it’s Key period on so many matters, but specifically it feels like there is an urgency about it.
I’ve never been a “name it claim it” sort of believer.  However i know His Word “does not come back / return void”; so there is a point to staking claim to those promises.  
If there is a thief that is caught, and holding something of mine, I’ll say “Give it back, that’s mine”.   The enemy of my soul/spirit is a  thief and a liar, i will treat it accordingly.
I guess you could say i’m a “REALIST” on matters both practical and spiritual.
I believe in what’s Real.
I’ve worked in Health Care for over 20 years now and just writing that is sorta scary, but....
I know serious physical injuries are REAL, I know Serious Emotional/Mental injuries are REAL. (i Know the “causes” ARE REAL)
    I know you can have multiple levels of injuries simultaneously - and yet cope.
I know that gravity holds me to this spinning orb that we so involuntarily trust in.
I also know another Gravity of sorts.
The “Kabod”- the weightiness of God.
I really love that word/Word because it’s grounding; when my soul feels more like fragmented particles of self, wafting like dust in sunlight.
I’ve seen more of God do astounding REAL things than books could contain.  (i think there’s a verse about that very point eh?)
I know that Prayer holds Weight in the Spirit as well.   How that works, i don’t know, but then again, knowing how this spinning orb works is beyond me too.
Faith is what you have when everything else goes to shit; but faith is all you need  in moments when hope is failing.   Faith and Hope are sorta bedfellows.  You can’t have one without the other, though they switch roles, as needed according to strength. 
  Perhaps Paul had that stuff right .....
 Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Cheeky bugger if you ask me on that one.... yeah, he got it... but ............there’s a place where your spirit knows it’s true, but the rational mind is more saying WTF.
In the next few months i’m going to try and unpack (shit, did i just use that phrase-really)-    Anyway, i’m going to try and unravel  the “hermeneutics”..... which makes this “PoMo-CharisMystic think that Loving Fiercely is worth it........ 
i might be going from “pillar to post” on matters- yes, i’ve been in the south long enough to use that phrase.   But could someone please tell me where “Yonder” is on a google map?  

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Psalms 103 lil gems.

Ok.... so have been thinking about “Atonement” and what that means.............
“someone has to Pay”-   mentality. 
We keep blaming God for that mentality, but i maintain, that is our own creation, born out of fear and not faith, that God’s Justice isn’t Sufficient. 
God’s sense of Justice, it certainly seems to be, much more Grace filled than our fickle hearts.  (Thankfully)
I think Psalms 103 has a bunch of nuggets for this season, as i’m painfully learning.
15 As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. 
This summer i’ve watched the grass wither within a week of not having water.  I “GET THAT” verse now.  Interesting that it takes an emotional drought and a physical one to hammer that home in my heart.
10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 
Shit, i’m thankful for that... cuz that’s where this crazy thing called Grace comes in.  
14 For He Himself knows [e]our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.----------

another version says that "He remembers our frame that we are but dust.
I'm thankful for that today.  
I just want to ENTER this day with that Thanksgiving.  
I forget to be thankful.
Lord help my unbelief. amen.

Friday, September 09, 2011

Lord, Have Mercy

Picture taken by Deanna Roy-   Austin skyline- wildfires

Just thinks this sums up some matters on things.

Lord, have mercy.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Purging Questions.

Yesterday was the first day in a very long while, that when i stepped out the door and felt a 60 degree morning hit my face, i cried.  Texas has been more than brutal this summer, the skin-part-of-my-heart feels like the dried grass.
The wild fires are burning, just miles to the East of Austin, and i can smell the smoke.
I’d say that’s more than fitting on more levels than i can count presently.

I’m looking at my life differently at the moment and finding it too cluttered; considering i’m a “all or none” person on matters, that means a garage sale of large proportion.
That also means looking at everything around me and asking:

Do i want this?
Do i actually need this?
Does it hold a emotional component that it’s important to save?
How visceral is my reaction and gage my response.
What is it’s worth?
How do i take measures to get the most value?
Time is money, so how much time am i investing, to get the best return.
What is important to me?

I guess i’ve got a lot of questions right now.  Rightfully so i gather.

Just looking at first steps, with just enough light to make very small steps at a time.

Praying for grace.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

David Ramirez: Shoeboxes

Can't even begin to describe what this invokes deep in my spirit.........
Brilliant writing. - way to go dude.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Jersey Smirk

The Jersey Smirk.
Every culture has one and any one with skin and a heart beat understands them, no matter what language.
Call it what you like....  evil eye, eye horns, furrowed brow, raised eyebrow, pointed stare, or my favorite..... “THE GLARE”... (which, i’ve learned is Texas love in the summer.... with the sun glaring down at you with a burnt toast smirk)
Growing up in the North East, in a neighborhood that was of Irish/Italian descent; that look came with a litany of cuss words, flailing arms with pointed specific fingers and occasionally a SHILLELAGH! 
My “look” or “glare” was pointed out twice in one week, by two very astute individuals ... (meaning two of my friends that know me well and STILL love me)
I hadn’t quite looked at that until today when i saw the same “Jersey Smirk” in another. I’m sure no one in the surrounding perimeter would have even slightly known why i suddenly started uproariously laughing.
i’ve heard it said that “Jersey doesn’t have  An Attitude .... it just has Attitude.
Yup, i’d say that’s true, considering Jersey has to contend with an older brother called New York.
However, there is a social tick, called the Jersey Smirk, which is a term that  i just coined and will be adding to the Urban Dictionary shortly.
The “mild version” is the “are you #$*%(^ kidding me” ...  Look.
In it’s more “reserved” form, it very quietly states “that if you don’t stop that, you will die a very slow death” in a relatively short span of time.
If it’s in full form, it will tell you .... Where to go, the most direct way to get there in grave detail and perhaps provide assistance as how to get there physically.
I was reminded today that I “ain’t from around these parts” once again.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

An Open Letter to Joel Osteen

An Open Letter to Joel Osteen

I have to agree with most of this "letter"....

When i hear the "everything will be rosy", schpeal i quickly roll my eyes. My typical response to that type of "theology" - Tell it to the Martyr's and get back to me on it!

Friday, July 01, 2011

I've been thinking a lot about screwing up and failure over the past few weeks and i was looking for something and ran across an old sermon that i had taken notes on....... and this is what i found.

Notes from sunday morning...   (singing “How great thou art”)
What are we looking at................................  the problem or the Person of Jesus.
Numbers 13: 25-33
surveying the land.......   (Giant’s) 
Caleb means Bulldog- tenacity! 
“Failing Forward”
Failing backwards:
Insulating yourself from failure.

-Blaming others
Repeating the Same mistakes
expecting to continually fail
accepting traditions blindly
being limited by past mistakes
thinking i am a failure
  • quitting
                    Make all the mistakes you want, just do them once.
Failing Forward:
-taking responsibility
-learning from each mistakes
-knowing failure is a part of progress
-maintaing a positive attitude
-challenging outdated assumptions
-taking new risks
-believing something didn’t work
(moses did you bring us out of Egypt just so we could die)
They couldn’t go into the promise land unless it was complete faith in God.
40 years, water, manna, shoes didn’t wear out.   They learned to know who God was- so it was easier to trust.
Seven things that failure is Not...........
(to err is human - to forgive is divine)
  1. people think failure is avoidable- it’s not.
  2. People think failure is an event- it’s not.
  3. People think failure is objective-it’s not.
  4. People think that Failure is the enemy- it’s not.
  5. People think failure is irreversible- it’s not
  6. People think failure is a stigma- it’s not.
  7. People think failure is final!- it’s NOT.
Caleb said give me the hill country- because it was the hardest space..... @ 80....... still was a fighter.
the challenge- the question is not.....
Will i make mistakes or will i fail-  but
“what will you do after you make mistakes and after you fail.”
Proverbs 24:16
For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again...........
Psalms 34:19
Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Werner Herzog reads Adam Mansbach & Ricardo Cortes book "Go the F**k to ...

If you are easily offended by profanity, please, don't hit play (you people KNOW who you are- so spare me). If you are a parent, hats off to you, please know how amazing you are!

I kinda think because i'm talking to G-D at really LATE...odd hours perhaps ...... G-D might just be saying the same to me some nights.

Friday, June 24, 2011

John Gorka "The Gypsy Life"

"Like a tree without the growing space you will be taking from below and from above......"
I think this is one of my favorite John Gorka songs. Still one of the most amazing writers .....

Encouragement Pass it on!

Now why can't we just have a sermon like this in Church? short, but a bunch of layers.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


Wow, this got to me today... ... ... their willingness in their honesty.
My answer would be: the time i waste and have wasted, when i live and walk dictated by fear.

Monday, June 20, 2011

"White Owl" by Josh Garrels

This is for Lee today! Enjoy my friend. xo I so love Josh Garrels stuff and this animation is profound and beautiful.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The End of the World - The Jesus Trip

This is such a needed Video on so many levels. I really would love it to go Viral in a positive manner. Way to bring it home John! thou doth rock!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Natalie Merchant - Verdi Cries

Was thinking of this song today, somewhere it was triggered in my memory... i used to cover this on occasion. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Harry Baker 2

Sorry for the sideways vid....... it was the first time i was actually playing with my new phone... so close your eyes and listen. Nice one Harry.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Natalie Merchant- I May Know the Word

sometimes a song just nails it...............
I really struggle with this issue........ yet, i'm too passionate on matters to let things go UNSAID........ so i really stand in the gap/middle space....... and often just say part of my heart.
So if you've seen me in those spaces........ i'm praying for deliverance.
I MAY KNOW THE WORD.......... and not say it.......... this might be the time, but i might waste it....... this might be the hour...... SOME ONE MOVE, SOME ONE PROVE ME WRONG...............
If i'm on my knees.................. i'm :
night until the day................. standing in the grey.

Ok - first and foremost... please google NAKED PASTOR... David is brilliant and is part of the reason for this post!!!

I know i have a sick sense of humour- the reason i’m using the Brit version of HUMOUR is cuz for most situations, U is missing in the context of some of that! Actually, i was taught phonetics and i’d spell that fo-net-icks in grammar school (yeah, the “grammar” part should be the pun already there)-  but ... 
My Dad was part English and part Italian - and when i asked him to correct my spelling he agreed that the U should be in words like colour, behaviour and humour, is heard... and should be there, and it’s just the american version of such is what is screwed up.
But getting back to the M.A.S.H like chuckle.  
I really can’t help it, i usually have a lil voice in my head that has an under-currant of tag lines running almost ceaselessly, when i’m in every day dialogue.  That could be ode to growing up in a North Eastern State as well- but that would bring in the nature vs. nature debate.
But this has caused me significant discomfort- (aka- trouble) in “christian community”. 
Mostly cuz it’s been called “sarcastic” -  which in many situations is quite accurate.  (i had a friend ask me to give up “sarcasm” for lent, and it lasted all of 15 minutes, i must say, that was longer than “said person” could give up their ego, which was my lent-ant challenge back)
I’d like to say, it’s mostly more “ironic” than “sarcastic”...  
It’s been my way of mitigating the blatantly apparent discrepancies  in context as to “what should be” and “what is” on many matters.
It’s also the only way i’ve maintained somewhat sanity - (yes, Jury is still out on that matter)  But.. truth be told... hand on heart and all that jazz, it is my coping mechanism.
It’s how i deal with the Pauline lament: “what i do i don’t want to do and what i don’t do i want to”....  yes, that was so loosely translated, i need someone to come hammer a tent peg in the ground.
But REALLY-  think of it..... from birth we are pushed into the light, slapped into breathing, hopefully without forceps and we live ... , eat, drink, cry, laugh and then by death- forced into the light, hopefully without celestial forceps! 
What’s in the GAP-  
the WILL........ Will of man vs. Will of God. 
There is a shit load of humour in that gap space.
My life experience has been filled with all the “versa”.  - Faith vs. Unbelief, Acceptance vs. Rejection, Love vs. Hate, Tender Touches vs. Sexual/Physical/Emotional abuse, Work vs. Play, Hope vs. Despair, Laughing vs. Crying, Excitement vs. Mundane-  yeah, you get the point.  So what’s in the middle besides mitigating?  How do we mitigate or negotiate these apparent contrasts and occasionally juxtapositions?
My first comparative was Faith vs. Unbelief, and i say that because i’m fighting the Disbelief.....
If i couldn’t make fun, laugh, pun at, sarcastically raise an eyebrow on most of it... i’d be wallowing in disbelief.  For me, that is far more dangerous than “unbelief”, because if i just didn’t believe, it would be so much easier.  However, disbelief raises all sorts of flags in my spirit, because it means i want to believe, but i’ve resigned myself that i can’t because of all the discrepancies.
So instead of being the Jeremiah prophet beating the church with a sledge hammer of conviction weighted by guilt; i sorta rib it enough to remind of the dirt and bone that it was originally formed.
i do really long to see the fullness of which it was all originally intended.  However, due to my tent making day job and the stuff i’ve seen go down in the Body...... big B there, if i’m not pulling punches or taking the piss outta of it, i’d be outta the game.
It maybe a sarcastic grin or a ironic chuckle- but if i don’t laugh, i’d be crying on many matters, and i save that for intercession.
Which considering i do that a lot, i’m only praying the tears i sow, in prayer, on this dry ground of experience, brings forth some life.
till then, i’ll quote my favourite Clown Prophet.... “fuck’em if they can’t take a joke!”

Joy can never be negative....

Joy can never be negative - yeah that was intentionally written that way.
So i was playing with the "negative" option on my phone's camera and this actually was a bright yellow lily on my kitchen table-    just a wee bit of garden June Joy.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

John Gorka "Let Them In"

I know it's past memorial day.... but for many people "Memorial Day" is only one day - in the many lonely days of remembering.
I think John nails this one...... such a heart prayer.

by John Gorka
"Let Them In was made into song by John Gorka from a poem found in a hospital in the Philippines during World War II. The nurse that found the poem kept it all these years until the recent war brought out all the memorabilia. Luckily, her daughter sent a copy to John"

Let them in, Peter
They are very tired
Give them couches where the angels sleep
And light those fires

Let them wake whole again
To brand new dawns
Fired by the sun not wartime's
Bloody guns

May their peace be deep
Remember where the broken bodies lie
God knows how young they were
To have to die
God knows how young they were
To have to die

So give them things they like
Let them make some noise
Give dance hall bands not golden harps
To these our boys

And let them love, Peter
For they've had no time
They should have trees and bird songs
And hills to climb

The taste of summer in a ripened pear
And girls sweet as meadow wind
With flowing hair

And tell them how they are missed
But say not to fear
It's gonna be alright
With us down here

Let them in, Peter
Let them in, Peter
Let them in, Peter


Thursday, May 05, 2011

Sunday, April 24, 2011


Praying the Lion of Judah Roar over you this Resurrection Day.... There is nothing quite like the sound of that ROAR......... and it brings LIFE...... HE is a defender over your heart and the enemy flees at the sound. Have a Blessed Resurrection Day folks-may the power of the Risen Christ flow through you in new ways. May the Life of Jesus seep into all those deep places that have been dead or seemingly almost dead. May His life bring life to the HOPES and God given DREAMS that have been long in slumber to the reality they were intended to be.
There are so many things my heart is thinking today, i want to weep (and am presently)-some of it is my heart ache for things yet to be made manifested and freedom for those still in bondage. The other part is just the fact that Jesus so Love ME..........… So Loves YOU. That type of deep love, when you get a glimpse, a taste, a sense, a glance of those radiant eyes looking at you longingly and with passionate FIRE, really messes with you and shatters things to their core.
May you know the ROAR of the Lion of Judah over you today, May you know the ravishingly way God loves you today, May you feel the radical delight of the Father (ABBA GOD) over you today, May you be washed over by the Tsunami of Love that HE has for you. Wave after Wave of Loves Restoration in your lives.
With much Love,

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I made a mistake

mr. Harry Baker....
Got to host him for a week here in Austin. Such a dear heart. Nice one dude. x

Thursday, February 24, 2011

2004 Larry Norman interview

Now how did i miss THIS. Larry on Art... Music.... Holy Spirit...
Fav quote here: " Propaganda is when you don't trust the Holy Spirit... and you think you have to tell everybody or HARANGUE and bash them, I think that denies the power of Christ." The boy always nailed it. Dam i miss his influence.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Jonathan David Helser | You're Never Giving Up

This is one of my all time fav's - it's seriously packing some Heat!
That place must have been smokin! So glad you guys posted this.. what an inside peek- (and there's Ken peeking thru too- he's such a dear!) Straight up worship in the Studio.... Melissa, i love watching you loose it IN HIM... dancing around...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

God Time w/ Ken Helser

I love this man....... deeply. One of the most amazing hearts and story tellers i've ever known. What a Papa...
Thanks so much Ken... miss you .... i know i gotta come to the farm soon....... perhaps this summer.

seems like everything is a TEST...

For the past couple years, seems EVERYTHING has been a TEST...  a test of my will, a test of my heart, a test of my ability to stand, a test of my ability to Love, a test of trust, a test of how much i actually give a shit,  a test of of how far i can go with out going over the edge.

Did i mention I bloody well HATE tests, and i feel like i've failed miserably on most matters.  

So i've got State Boards tomorrow- for "massage therapy".  You'd think that considering i've been doing this stuff for 15 years +, that would be a breeze... but the amount of extraneous information that is on the myriad of random questions has me feeling less than confident.

I know i'm a smart cookie and all that, but really when it comes down to the Art of test taking, i feel more like a 2 year old with a shitty box of crayons and i'm not sure how to colour in the lines.

Now if you gave me a "case based" situation and what i would do.... or not do........  i'm stellar.

But that doesn't seem to be how people grade things.  It's normally some ratio of how many times you "fuck up", which usually counts twice as much in relationship to how many times you actually "show up" in ability;  which doesn't seem quite fare on matters.

yeah, well, i'm a bit brutally honest on most things i'm crap at, yet have an amazing capacity to cover those i love when they are crap.  Makes for a wondrous tug of war in my heart; though i do think it's worth it... and will keep being ME in the process.

I guess that comes down to performance based scenarios.... which i'm basically shit at.  I used to be good in "open mike" night scenario... but it was raw..   Smokey filled bars and odd hours, where you could just be in that space and share a bit from the depths and not worry about if it was "commercial enough".    Kudos to my mates that can carry that level of performance... you guys do it well.
But that's not really me.

I've thought long and hard this week on how i tend to choke on things when it comes down to the wire or the nitty gritty.  I've had someone ask "Where has your fight gone" recently.   I don't have a good answer on that one...    Perhaps it's just the tiresome nature of the fight...  i'd much rather fight for someone than for myself on some matters.  One of my dearest friends said to me... "Cathryn, you don't EVER do things small."  Meaning i excel brilliantly and fail with apparent gasconade.

I kinda like the Luther quote:   Be a sinner, and let your sins be strong (sin boldly), but let your trust in Christ be stronger, and rejoice in Christ who is the victor over sin, death, and the world.

I so sorta do that well in matters- sin boldly, yet still fall on the grace parts in Christ.  

So i guess this is a quite public visceral rant on matters... feeling rather frail and quite under-stood.  Not the pity party, more so the emoting aspects on matters. 

Hoping and praying i do well, not just in this test - but in the other ones... and praying some hold some grace out for my heart and still believe for the good in me. 

Isn't that what we all are praying for on matters... to be seen honestly for who we are, but to be seen Hopefully for all that is the Hope in us...... which of course is Jesus.