Blogging is a Moving Meditation.

BLOGGING as a MOVING MEDITATION: Liminality's thin passage untangles as it weaves, fits in the ineffable nooks and crannies of my heart's prayer wall, like the cracks in pavement, mile markers on the road, windblown whimsical napkin poems written in eyeliner.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Cool Nights -fireplace and a robe!



So this might just be more of a thought blog post than of much ta do about anything.... But today was the first time i actually had to put on a Jacket because the wind picked up and in came some well needed COLD.... not just cool.... but the Coldest breeze i've felt so far. Considering i will forever refer to our first summer in Austin as PURGATORY - or at least as much of my post catholic past would ever want to come close to it....... complete with wanting some heavy hitter intercessors to pray my arse out of it! I guess when i ponder, it felt like it in every sense of the word. Emotionally excruciating, oppressively hot, transitionally difficult with some of the blackest depression i've felt in years. (just being honest on the hard parts here) Thing is, God has been present and while there have been some painful places .... HE still speaks and is still Good and Still LOVING. Even in the places where there is death in life and life in death.

So i'm sitting by the fire in a soft robe, with windows open to still enjoy the cold night air. I don't often blog on the hard or painful parts... there is enough on the T.V. or in the papers to make one want to taste metal. And i've found even in the middle of it all HE doesn't change.

Listening to Graham Cooke at the beginning of this month was a refreshing pint of ALE. One of the things he said that tickled my fancy, was what God had told him some time ago......... HE said....... "Graham, you and I have some "irreconcilable differences" and I DON'T CHANGE." I laughed and smirked at the same time, because though God is often cheeky, He's never wrong.

I hold to an uncensored relationship with my Abba.... i don't pretend i'm fine or happy with how things are going... I've taken some deep consolation in reading how some of the Saints of old hashed stuff out with HIM. HE knows i'm human, and even takes great delight in it. It makes me cry at points when i know HE's said to me on more than one occasion, "Cathryn, even when your angry at ME, I KNOW that if I asked you to do something for ME, you would... that is why I do ask you to do the seemingly impossible, because I know you know ....you can't with out ME". And HE always says stuff like that with this beaming eye gaze and tickled grin on His face - especially when i'm looking back fuming with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Seems like an eternity ago, when i was 12, we were asked at this Jr. High youth group thing (thanks Mark Dail!) to pick a LIFE VERSE........ (may seem a lil churchy and contrived, but Mark Dail had a way with the genuine) Well the verse that came to my heart/spirit was 2 Cor. 12:9 "MY GRACE is sufficient for you, MY POWER is made Perfect in weakness".

Even after all these years, (and the years i was trying my damnedest to Avoid HIS voice) that never left my spirit and i knew some how He was gonna hold me to that Word.... because it was Living and Breathing in me.

The past year i've felt more frail, fragile, vulnerable, WEAK, unsure, unsafe, unloved and overwhelmed than perhaps anytime in the last 10 years or so........ and that's hard to say so openly. Yet, i've seen HIM do some of the most amazing things i've ever seen in my entire life. ----

I don't know what's harder to say.... all the stuff i've felt, and felt about myself.... or that HE still continues to say,

"cathryn, you amaze ME, I love drawing close to your hot fire of love, I love it when I see you gaze at someone with blue flame fire in your eyes because your angry at what the enemy has done to one that I love so dearly, I love your dry wit when your standing on a battlefield, I love the way you use My Sword in a fire fight, I love it when you continue to choose to love another even when you've been hurt or wounded. I love it when the tears pour from your heart over things that you know have hurt me, I love the way you love me even when your feeling so shattered and heart broken that breathing or wanting to continue breathing is the only choice. I love the way you refuse to give up on Hope, I love the way you have stood in Faith and Hope when another couldn't. I love the way you Worship ME even in the Storms, I love the way you have trusted ME even when it was hardest. I love the way I formed and fashioned you, and I'm not done. I Love you my precious warrior daughter."

well, i was just going to say that sometimes it's harder to say .... what HE says about me.... and well HE said listen and type..... and now i'm just weeping. I could have just copied and pasted it into my journal - but felt Him say "keep it real.... and keep it out there.... others need to ask ME what I love about them".

So Lord, have your will .... in ways i don't understand. amen.

4 comments:

  1. cat,
    this is beauty in it's harshest, most pure form.
    this is life in darkness, light where there was only confusion.
    this is a challenge to a dull heart, a dull blade.
    this is you, through and through.
    and i love it.
    xoxoxoxo,
    melissa

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  2. Anonymous3:52 PM

    That's cool. I don't think I've asked the Lord in a long time what He thinks about me. I think most of us are afraid to ask that question because we know too well what we think about ourselves isn't always pretty. Thank God He's a lot more gracious than we are.

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  3. Dear Cathryn

    Seems like I am learning a lot about his grace being sufficient for me at the moment..it's really the only way through into life...real life.. isn't it. I'm really enjoying you and our early growing beginning friendship... Being around you over these past few weeks has been a freeing and liberating influence...you go girl..

    Caroline (from Team Cienki!)

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  4. Kat,
    Thanks for posting this!
    . . ."others need to ask ME what I love about them" . .
    Big challenge for all of us if we be real honest with ourselves. Most are "sure" that they would hear rebuke, judgment . . . condemnation. But I think the real fear is the overwhelming words of pure love that would melt any defense, judgment or condemnation that we would have about ourselves.
    We just cannot imagine that anyone would love us so unconditionally . . so wholly and purely.
    And so we try to hide, to bury ourselves in shadows called religion, duty, obligation . . . anything that would keep us from dealing with such Love.
    And yet; who was it that said something about "The hound of Heaven"??? He never gives up . . . ever He woos us and pursues us.
    And He wins . . . Love wins.
    Amazing Grace, indeed.

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