MORE ON THE WEATHER................................

Living in a micro climate in Montueka NZ lends itself to all sorts of contrasts. My face and arms are tan but my legs are pasty white. I wear icebreaker merino wool leggings and a T-shirt. I can be hot and cold at the same time and its not menopause. I usually start my morning with one pair of thin thermals, layered with a thicker pair of icebreaker thermals, followed by REI fuzzy pants, T-shirt, 3/4 sleeve merino icebreaker shirt and an REI warm fuzzy top. All of which is needed to not shiver & chatter whilst heading to the showers! Mornings are about 40 degrees Fahrenheit and rises to about 65. If you sit directly in the sun you will promptly burn within 15 min as the ozone is thinner here than anywhere else on the planet and apparently there is a crack in it as well; that the US somehow caused. (If you are prone to the prophetic spidie sense; it does wonders for your dream life.) So stark contrast is the norm with a victrol if landscape in visceral reaction .

Once the sun goes down, which is quite early, the brisker cold is back as the temperature dives quickly. If the day has been cloudy, temps stay in the 50's but if it was clear then there is no white billowy blanket to keep in the generated heat and the temps drop drastically. It's been down into the 30's and I'm grateful that Andrew attached the German little furnace... Warm and dry is the goal and according to Debbie we are closer to that than ever before.
This vehicle has been to over 30 countries in the last 4 years, but they have been in mostly warm weather; so new challenges await.

So why all the talk about weather.? Being in a small space makes you appreciate the outdoors more.... Living in Austin has its merits but the purgatorial heat does cause one to hide from the glare of the Texas. Oh, internal weather is stormy and my body is hurting a lot!

Thinking about friends and family and wishing they could be a part of this rather than apart of this. Caught a glimpse of a person that looked so much like my friend Shannon in England that I almost called out her name!!!! Thinking of friends in Austin, NYC, Jersey and basically across the globe. Listening to Neil McSweeny in head phones tying to type between swatting horse flies away whilst watching the horses jump. Gorgeous black one with white socks is putting the others to shame; though the chestnut one is challenging for center stage. The back drop of the mountains and red parachutes dropping like lollies from some sky candy factory is more than entertaining!
So the night changes and we are having very fresh local sea mussels, Artisian bread and some amazing local wine; all on clearance and 1/4 of the fraction!!!! I'm thinking that "here is a gift... SO, how many have I missed???
It might be acceptable to tak about the weather, but do you really want to know my inside weather?

The wet stuff under my eyes isn't allergies.

All those emotions just remind me that we are clay. Perhaps it's G-d's tears on dust.

More of the Journey

I actually finished a long update and when i went to post it was gone... so seems like i hit a glitch in the matrix. So the question as to re-type and re-formulate what i had written or start from scratch.
It's a rainy day here in Montueka and all 7 of us are in Maggie (the truck) and most of 'em are watching a movie on the laptop. Thankfully Andrew and Debbie have a solar panel and it recharges things like laptops and phones.
it's been 2 months since coming aboard this proverbial missional ship and it's been glorious and challenging all at the same time. Captains Debbie and Andrew are stellar in their positions and the dialogues that ensue as to "where to go and when" are quite hysterical. i am enjoying the fact that i am NOT in control as to when and where we go; as it's a bit freeing for my soul.
They are battening the hatches so to speak in getting Maggie more rainproof as well as getting a wood burning stove installed. Debbie's mantra: WARM AND DRY It's a work in progress; as New Zealand winter is at the door. The mornings usually are early; as power for lighting at night is limited; it's amazing what that does to your circadian rhythms, Debbie's brain works quite well in the morning and she is up and thinking quick on her mental feet. I hear her spouting her ideas as to how to fix this and that and what are the priorities of the day. It's normally then i start the 63 hand crank turns for the coffee grinder to make 2 cups of amazing coffee. You see my brain does not work well when it's not had a bit of caffeine and a ciggy. Usually it's then when i hear Andrews voice wafting from the loft "where's my dam coffee". Tis an ongoing joke as everyone is very polite in asking for things and British in the ways of starting a sentence with an apology.

We are presently in a Trailer Park that shares land with horse stables, where they are daily training people in jumping. Along with the jumping there is an air field where there is parasailing and parachuting !!! It's 180 to jump out of a plane.. and i'm truly considering it! (would that be the ultimate in throwing money out the window or a true leap of faith? i'm not quite sure.

Jenna and Sam have gotten their own caravan and are traveling with us on and off and it's been much fun going exploring small and obscure towns. The commentary on quirky art spaces and visioning for the next season has gotten my brain thinking of all sorts of ideas.

There are phrase's that one only hears when traveling with the Jones...
1) where's my chicken? (which is Debbie's purse that is actually in the shape of a chicken)
2) who's got fluffy? (which is a blue oversized fluffy blanket that Coco picked up at an opt shop for a few dollars)
3) lean right or left ( when getting in the bottom lockers that hold all our gear that is not of immediate use) That being said, Andrew's stuff is sufficiently strewn across pretty much everything, and though it's directly in front of his face, he will forever be asking "where is the/my...... and the list is ongoing)
4) lemon down..... (when anything, not just a lemon is tossed from a cabinet or bungee corded object that gets tossed by Andrews ability to find the biggest rockiest hill to climb!) Sorry Andrew but you have no idea how much the back end of this Truck gets tossed about as you are sitting in the front cab driving!
5) pass me the elephant or cockroach..... (2 big oversized beanbag chairs that are filled with the kids bedding and once morning in upon us, turn back into big stuffed chairs or pillows.)
6) Where's my dam coffee? Followed by " get your own dam coffee"


I will say 7 people with limited space lends itself to internal introversion and endless kitchen ordering and dishes. (limited space is defined as 1/4 of the size of a small NYC studio apartment)
My sleeping quarters consist of a bed behind the cab that also carriages the electronics, back packs and numerous hats from their travels. Presently posted is a magazine photo of a glass of wine being poured with the words "in vino veritas" since the girls are learning Latin. There are also a bunch of pictures up with other various Latin phrases to increase recall. (home schooling in a house truck is quite clever!)

Well, that's a wee look into the daily life on the road. I shall post more when i find wifi. For now i'm unplugged from my typical life of work, house payments and taxes. I'm visioning for the next season and i think it's not gonna look much like the first part of my journey. HINT: Looking for airstreams and i'm not discussing the weather.
shalom to the deepest!
Cat
xo

Harsh Transitions and some closing salutations to a difficult season....................

I know some of you have been wondering just what is going on.
( i know some who don't give a flying... so wondering just what you are doing on my blog)

It's been a pretty heartbreaking year and a half for me to say the least and not even really sure i know where to begin.

i could talk about the lovely Wedding of Jenna and Samuel Jones and the trip to New Zealand.... but not just yet....

This year and a half contained a lot of loss.... and was soul laden in heaviness.
My sister was diagnosed with cancer and on the cusp of another surgery was informed by my husband that he was leaving the marriage. Then my sweet dog Selah needed to be put down and 6 months after that i lost my job and after that was cut off in communication from friends that i thought would be there for life. To say that was painful would be minimizing ... it was brutally painful. Painful to the extent that i really did just want to die. Seemed easier.... so some things DID DIE. I put my trust in some friends on matters of heart, just to be told i was being "too negative". I'm still a bit gobsmacked on all the matters above and i'm in the sorting of emotions in my soul.
It's not that i was wallowing in self-pity on things. It's just when you are hit with a tsunami, it DOES take some time to adjust. In all of this... i was still trying to be obedient as in what was on my plate during that time. Praying for the fruit in that still, as it felt like being stretched to capacity and still wanting to love well the people God was bringing through the door.

Word to the Wise.... (from someone who wasn't so wise) Take the time you need and DO NOT LISTEN to JOB's Friends.
I heard all sorts of critiques on my character and the blighting felt quite merciless; actually it WAS MERCILESS.

Of course i took those critiques to heart and looked at them with some measure of seriousness.

We all screw up... flesh out.... and react from hurt. I'm pretty honest with my crap almost to self deprecating levels. I know there are places in my heart that were so wounded as a child that rejection, betrayal and abandonment are my "big three" in targets.

It would be nice if i were just immune to those things, however, when they are continually being reinforced, it's rather difficult to just pretend they don't hurt.
They DO hurt and for the record, Abba was quite clear that my reactions as well as some of my more holier responses were normal.
I do want to respond rather than react. However that does NOT go over well when you are establishing some boundaries in relationships.
I tend to forgive quickly. That's good and bad. Good in the sense that it IS what God wants so that bitterness does not set in and take hold. Bad in the sense that unless i make it clear that this type of repetitive pattern from people that "love me" isn't acceptable, it will happen again.

The part that i've had a really hard time with has been the lack of understanding and grace; in that what i was walking thru didn't need the critiques and character assaults. i really just needed Mercy for my heart, Compassion for my soul, Safe touch for my body and Sanity for my mind.
All that comes with just being "with" in the process and not trying to "fix it". I'm so thankful to those that were the mouth piece/peace of grace and mercy. Funny it came from the oddest of friends.... some i've know for over 20 years and some i had just met.

One living acts of compassion came from my friends John and Caroline. They jumped in and moved in with me! (and tolerated my vegetative state sitting in front of TV watching "Grey's Anatomy" till i fell asleep, only to wake and turn it on again) Was i escaping?... erm, OF COURSE! But also i found some level of comfort that the show depicted life and death trauma and how people process things differently. It reminded me that i didn't loose my legs or arms or have a stroke or any of the like; things that working in healthcare for over 20 years i saw on a daily level. (Which has kept my perspective on severity) It also reinforced that the losses i have encountered were and ARE real and there are stages of Grief with all loss.

So thankful for my spiritual mom, Kathy for her endless hours on the phone reminding me that i wasn't crazy and that my heart was amazing. My own mom MaryJane had cut both me and my sister off in communication years ago, so to have a dear friend like Kathy that functions in a "mother capacity" when needed has been life giving!
I also contacted my old counselor Dan, from years ago.... It was good to hear a male perspective on matters and he is a wiz at cognitive reasoning skills!

It wasn't that i walked through all this without help. I aggressively sought it out. My analytical skills can be stellar in situations outside of myself and i'm aware of that; however you can not do heart surgery on yourself!

Long to short, when the job loss happened, i had two choices. Pursue what i have done or pack up and sell the house and leave. Of course i did both.... i put my house up on the market after having it repainted and things fixed. (that list seemed endless and further overwhelmed me to where i almost shattered- THANK YOU John for skills that are beyond me and Josh for the help with packing- I could have NOT done it with out you guys!)

I looked for a job, but the only things that were coming up were PRN (as needed) assignments, that were in settings that would just further depression. I cried out to God in that space and there was A lot of tears.
So i put the proverbial fleece out..... "Lord, if you want me to go to New Zealand to be at Sam and Jenna's wedding and hang with those amazingly crazy nomadic Jones's, then please sell this house in 6 weeks or if you want me to stay and pursue a job in Austin, then make it abundantly clear. amen"
i'm not sure how many that are reading this have sold a house before, but it's exceedingly stressful. Having to keep it looking shiny and happy when my heart was dingy and sad was taking it's toll. My patience was short, people scattered (the same people that promised to support and help) and the weight of everything manifested in my body. My left shoulder and neck locked up and was a 9/10 on a pain scale and i could barely move never mind pack boxes and clean floors. Finally after 3 bogus low ball offers i had had enough. I stormed in the house praying loudly and basically broke off every violating word that had been spoken over my heart and mind. I cut soul ties with EVERYONE.... (thanks for the template Reagan!) I severed unrequited love & loyalty and broke every vow of false alliance & allegiance. May sound a bit extreme, but honestly, hand on heart, it was extreme measures for extreme circumstances. I knew it was warfare. The enemy was out to destroy me and i was not about to just give in to that type of assault. I'm sure some of my ways were more than difficult for people to understand and my emotional swings hit an all time high. It wasn't pretty and i'm not about to make an all inclusive apology to those that might have gotten hit by the stuff going through the fan. I'm still washing my clothes from some of "ya all's" shit too. I DO love and continue to love in all of this; though now my tolerance for such immaturity is at an all time low.

Finally i had a bonafide offer and the ensuing time line drag of inspections and appraisals.
This stuff was difficult as well because everything was put under a microscope. I was in enough introspection already and to have that type of "white glove" test was more than disconcerting.
I felt the Father (Abba) hand on matters though... and even in the midst... there was comfort that HE really was ON things and Jesus was contending FOR me.... Holy Spirit kept whispering promises in my ear. Part of me wanted to reject them as everything else was sore and painful to touch. However, it's the "knowing better" parts of things. Sometimes that sounds trite and unhelpful, but when i look at it from His perspective, we really Do know better when we Know HIM in it.
The stress and the pressure was still building and now it was about everything coming together to get me on a plane. Clearing out a house and purging from 2,200 sq feet down to a 8x10 storage unit was quite the quest. Paying everyone "off" and closing all accounts stretched my already waining admin skills to the point of a large bottle of whisky going rather quickly! (resulting in further fodder for judgement!- LOL)
The house closed on a monday and i was on a plane for New Zealand on tuesday!
Off to an amazing Wedding to be with friends that are like family and to a land where the colours and textures are vast and beautiful.

Things are still in transition and i'm sure He's gonna download and process more in my heart and Spirit. So this is just the beginning. I'm starting over and that's scary, daunting, a bit crazy and exciting. I'm in the country of middle earth and remembering not to sleep with the elves. (inside joke) I'm trusting ruthlessly that He is up to some amazing things because He doesn't just leave, nor reject or betray. It's just The King and I on this part of the journey.... oh and the crazy cool circus of people with whom i'm traveling.
More to come and already storing away moments and memories that are hopeful and healing.
Onward and upward.. the show must go on and all those nice idioms........

A little of Gorka for the road....x

yeah,  have loved this dudes stuff for years.............  
yeah,  feeling a lot today..................
yeah,  this IS a message in a musical bottle.....
yeah,  hope you get it............................................................................

Endless Ocean, Bottomless Sea | Jonathan David and Melissa Helser

I am so glad to be able to post this.  
I am excited about this CD in particular - 

   I like the fullness and inclusivity of it's rawness.  Worship is intimate.  It can take us to place where it's just you and Abba; while at the same time be in a room full of people that are just as captivated by G-d.  


Some of the sweetest times i've ever encountered a saturation level of Holy Spirit has been at "a Place for the Heart". It truly is a "Thin Space"; created by filling the atmosphere with the sound of heaven. 

 I'll be listening to this album on repeat for a bit.  You guys so raise the bar on Visioning and Intention! 

Thinking of blogg’n is stretching my nogg’n tonight.

Long “ta do” list going in my head and is written in part on at least 9 pieces of paper, that are strewn through out this house.   That would somewhat accurately attest to my mental state. 

Things in boxes with the word “important” written across the tape.  Some filled with pictures and promises packed away; neatly incase they might one day be needed or wanted remembering.  Many things waiting for the de-cluttering of soul.

Binning and bagging parts of my heart. Where is the wood chipper for the trees of paperwork? Printer fail.  Forgot that bloody ink cartridge again; perhaps i’ll just draw it on my skin.

Moving in and moving out.  God the ultimate space invader and atmosphere changer.  Needing fuel for the fire and wind for the soar.  Oil of Gladness to decrease the friction between the micro and macro.  All this to move... my mind, my thoughts, my will, my emotions, my heart, my soul, my body, my energy, my spirit. 

Abba guard my being all parts included.  Grant grace in transitions and mercy in travel.  You are God of the details and i need Your help.  amen.  

Odds and Ends.

Not sure of the pieces yet, the dust hasn’t settled and there is fire in the distance.

Thinking of a dream i had a few months ago where there had been a tornado and the back portion of my yard was blown away and i was able to see for miles.

Though the storm had been intense it was the importance of what remained.

I was standing and surveying with the awareness that there is no limit to His protection and to His Grace.

I might be a bit dusty however.......

Thankful that He remembers in Psalms 103: 14

“For He Himself KNOWS our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust.”-  actually, that was my morning read today.  Good chapter.

So feeling rather dusty and my sinus’s are reacting.  (Granted, Austin Mold allergies aren’t helping)

There’s enough packing and unpacking things right now.  

i think i’m gonna hold on to grace a bit further and get tangled in the Hem of His Garment.

Dave Vaughan's final interview Big Brother reality show (includes clip: ...

I think Dave Vaughan is such a sweet dude.    "The all new Monk Dave"- HA!  keep bringing it dude.

"Stars and Dust" by Songs of Water, live at the Carolina Theatre in Gree...

Dunno 'bout you'se guys, but this Jersey Girl needs some chunes in transitions and liminal spaces.  Yes, i DO.

Songs of Water Live at The Redding Civic Center: Through The Dead Wood

They make it look so easy....     I  LOVE this....     ps. Love ya bro.

"Stay By Your Side" by Waterdeep (yes, Whit, this ones for you)

Yes, Whit, this one's for you....   rare i do some sorta, whimsical cheesy dedication.     This is NOT one of them..     This is because "some friendships are for keeps; pinky swear".