Sh*t Austinites Say

"yeah after 911 i had to get outta Brooklyn". -

A friend sent this to me and i couldn't stop laughing for at least 15 min.

Sinead O'Connor - This is a Rebel Song

This song and its English-Irish metaphor just haunted me this morning. That call of the Irish to be seen and welcomed, rather than cast off; the call for reconciling of hearts.  (Thanks Padraig O Tuama for posting on face book .... ) Rebel Love............ it's also a Fierce Love.

***

I've been asked recently, about why i post random stuff on this blog..... I was a bit put off, as MOST the stuff i put up are things that just Radomly "trip my trigger" in some way; it happens to be the point of a blog. It's a diary. It's a journal. It's a place to flesh out things. It's a stage for laughter and weeping. It's a place to let my spirit soar a bit...

I grew up with an Irish grandmother, who's brogue cut through the house like a sharp knife when she was angry. God i loved that woman! She would slip out information when she was a bit tipsy, so i had learned of her love of England, in her mind; was unrequited.

So here are the lyrics.....

I love you my hard Englishman
Your rage is like a fist in my womb
Can't you forgive what you think I've done
And love me - I'm your woman
And I desire you my hard Englishman
And there is no more natural thing
So why should I not get loving
Don't be cold Englishman

How come you've never said you loved me
In all the time you've known me
How come you never say you're sorry
And I do

Ah, please talk to me Englishman
What good will shutting me out get done
Meanwhile crazies are killing our sons
Oh listen - Englishman
I've honored you - hard Englishman
Now I am calling your heart to my own
Oh let glorious love be done
Be truthful - Englishman

How come you've never said you loved me
In all the time you've known me
How come you never say you're sorry
And I do
I do

Selah..... the only one that got it in my mind......... on the selah point. ENJOY........ perhaps.

get to keep both your ears... is important in music- Shelia Walsh and Rich Mullins.

i love how he gets the scribble!

i love how she gets "then we get to keep both our ears".

both of which had breakdowns... that were break - thru's - thanks for the reminder on how to keep it freak'in real.

Rich Mullins Concert Part #5

I see why - "God is right and why the rest of us are just guessing!" - i so get Rich in this vid.

in an 80's retro mode... Vega rocks.

been think'in on how there were some really profound women that were a staple for my musical diet.  - rich food.

to battles well fought....

in all the retrospect over this year... i guess this is a prayer for the fallen....

since the enemy wages war against our hearts and souls as well.................

this is a salute in the spirit...... for battles well fought.

for all of you that have "laid down their lives for a brother"...... there is no greater love. -

rest well in that awareness.

xocat

God with Skin on

So it’s the end of this year and i’m in the big process mode on many matters.  It would be so nice to be able to compartmentalize things into simple, straight forward, very square boxes.  Unfortunately, this is not how my brain operates.

I had a dream the other night in which i was being chased by 4 very bad dudes that wanted to do me harm.  (i’m so minimizing in that previous sentence ... but that’s because i don’t want to give it that much power)     Then when it finally looked like i was about to be “eliminated”; would be the operative word,  a dear friend showed up in the dream.... and really SHOWED UP... with love, authority and skill........................   I felt the rush of Angels come into the dream and pull me out.  (as though i was in another dimension)  -  

All pretty cool on some levels in retrospect... (but during it was an entirely different matter)-  and that is the really short version without trying to sacrifice accuracy for brevity.

I was terrified.  I’ve not run like that in a dream since i was a child.

There is enough symbology in the dream to sink the titanic to say the least.

Unpacking it from a strategical tactical level, soul-emotion level as well as practical spiritual level is always the long SELAH.

I use the term “practical spiritual level” in it’s most basic and functional meaning.    We tend to look at “spiritual” in superlatives; which granted ARE amazing.  

My basic “feeling” in the dream was fear.....   so what basic & practical levels can i deal with it through the Spirit.  “Perfect love casts out fear”.     In the dream, i had resigned myself that i was about to be taken out, if something didn’t have to happen pretty quickly.   Then a friend showed up, and i was actually surprised for a second, because, not only was it one of my most extraordinary friends, but they showed up for me.   I had to look back on it and wonder .... “why was i surprised that they showed up for me, when i know their character and their love for me?”

oh, big duh....

Since i know my friends aren’t perfect, hence, not being able to love perfectly it always takes me by surprised when i see His perfect love working through them; or ME in that matter!

I’m so glad God consistently understands my heart, for it give me grace to understand my heart’s fears, pains, joys and hopes; therefore extending that to others as well.

One of my biggest fears is abandonment.  Yes, it’s been there since a child, so it’s hard to shift an emotional imprint in soul DNA -if i may use that term; since some of that was effecting/affecting me IN uterine.   What i can do now is see that for what it was then and now how it tends to creeps back in to mess with my head.

I’ve gotten hit by that pretty hard these past few months.

I’m not too surprised that i would have a dream such as i did the other night.

I think abandonment is one of the most basic of fears on a primary survival level.   As babies and children our survival depends on another and if that other is removed or leaves; it can have devastating effects.

Piaget’s “object permanence” theory is a good humanistic example of how we operate.

“Jean Piaget argued that object permanence is one of an infant's most important accomplishments, as without this concept, objects would have no separate, permanent existence. In Piaget's theory of cognitive development infants develop this understanding by the end of the "sensorimotor stage," which lasts from birth to about 2 years of age.  Piaget thought that an infant's perception and understanding of the world depended on their motor development, which was required for the infant to link visual, tactile and motor representations of objects. According to this view, it is through touching and handling objects that infants develop object permanence.” wiki


So MY dilemma with the deeper issue of “Abandonment by God”, stems into of the lack of visual, tactile and motor aspects of His Presence.     The closest i come to the deep sensory integration pressure that is required to still my often wrest-less soul is only when i sense His Kabod; which is Hebrew word for weight or heaviness of God.

Sensory integration and motor development is such an issue.  Being sensitive to His leading Spirit and His Word to be able to mitigated all the fluxing and swirling of the emotional and physical world around us. Then being activated to MOVE with Him as “a cloud by day and a fire by night.”

To remember in all my fears, that He is permanency incarnate; but also shows up in daily human form to touch and lay hands to what is needed.

Thank you God that “surely your arm is not short.”  

selah,
Cathryn

Joni Mitchell-Blue (Documentary)

it isn't vague......................... that about sums a lot of it up. xocat

Bethlehemian Rhapsody

Selah on Shana

Had to do something really hard today- my sweet-- o’so sweet girl Selah went to go hang out in the celestial realm. 

I don’t really care about the “theology” factor here...  if there are living creatures around the throne, i know she’s hanging out somewhere THERE... and i hope she greets me at the gate when i do go home.

But it’s time to tell a story about how she came into my life.

I was going thru a really hard time back then-  my church home was falling apart, i was in the middle of divorce and i was trying to keep my head above water, at least not kill myself!-  (i’m so not joking)

  

I awoke that morning and felt the Lord say... “I’m giving you a dog today.” Pretty random, even for HIM i might add.... 

So i went about the things i had to do and even stopped at the “pound” to see if she was there.  (no gut feeling and i left, still wondering if i had heard Him clearly)

I was on my way to treat a little girl for a home visit and as i passed a “Gun Shop”- i heard the Lord say, “make a right”.  I thought.. huh? 

So i passed the first driveway... and then i heard Him say it again. 

I shrugged and thought, perhaps i can get a Glock! So i went in... and there were 2 dogs in a kennel.. with a sign that said “free dogs”.  My immediate wise-arse-isms to my Abba was... “ok, i heard single NOT plural God”  HE said, “the one that is left is yours.” 

Well, the next thing i knew i was playing with her, and there was a woman on the phone with her husband asking if she could have them both...  (her hubby said, no - only one... so she took the male)

I didn’t want her to feel the abandonment of her brother, so before i could even think, i said... “i’ll take her”.

Her name was “Shay”... and she sat on my lap as i drove “home”, which was a house i just rented with 2 girlfriends.

The entire ride, i was hearing the word “SHANA” and i thought, “wow, that’s a lot like her name, but why are you changing it Lord?- not even sure it was the Lord at that moment... 

So sure enough, got her home, and my girlfriend Lisa said, “well, Shana sounds like Selah and she is a ponder! you got her at a gun shop when God said make a right!”  So i started calling her Selah.  

About a month went by, and she was a handful... lots of energy, very VERY alert to anything around.. and a love bug.

Everyone that saw her said the same thing...  “She’s so BEAUTIFUL”.- it was the first thing out of their mouth.  

So i was drinking coffee, having a ciggy and reading “israel my glory” magazine... and there in the middle of the page was the word “SHANA”- the same word i heard while driving her home on my lap.  I almost dropped my coffee....  because it’s a Yiddish word and it means - “BEAUTIFUL”.  Well, there i sat, knowing God even gave me her name... and i missed it... lol!  I got her in a very “pondering “ space... (Selah means ponder)-  

She would answer to both.... (funny, i’ll still answer to Claudine - my birth given name, but Cathryn is what my Abba calls me.) 

God was doing His thang... again!  I was in the middle of crap flying thru the fan, my life falling apart and not sure which way was up at that time... and God goes and gives me a gift called “Beautiful”!  

She was smart......  really smart... (not always in a good way..lol......) i called her “Houdini” at times, because she could get out of anything... 

I then began to realize that she had some “gifts”...  She knew when Holy Spirit was present and she knew when the enemy was present.  She was my first warning signal when things were gonna get “heated” shall we say....

When ever someone needed ministry, she would do everything, including escaping a long lead chain. (she had a run in the yard)....  

One time, she was securely clipped on her run and she started barking... incessantly i might add.. and somehow, the next thing i knew, she was at the back door barking and slamming herself against the glass to get in.

 ( everyone that was there, knew, that it was basically impossible for that to have happened.)  She ran right up to the person that was in the middle of some deep deliverance and started licking their face and then running out the door... again and again, like she was pulling something out.  

When it first happened, the person manifested and yelled “i hate that dog!”... it didn’t stop her.....   All of us there were a bit gobsmacked....  Afterwards, the person that got “free” just played with her for the next hour... and said, “it was like she was pulling that thing out of me!”-  

I can’t explain all of that... just that if God spoke thru Balam’s Ass.... i guess, HE can use a dog in such things as deliverance. 

She was always alert to a battle approaching... she was always aware when i was breaking down and crying.... 

I guess, i would say she was a “rescue dog” of sorts....  shudda put a  flask around her neck like those St. Bernard’s!!!  (guess i kept that in my car) 

But she did rescue me on more than one occasion.

Her love was unconditional... and i think  that was part of God’s gift to me in that Beautiful Girl.  She never judged, she never was rude, she never depended upon my mood to love me and greet me at the door. 

She did have her bouts with temper... she once ATE a COUCH!- (not just a cushion... an entire couch, down to the metal frame that held the pull out bed!)

  i had gone away for the weekend, first time i left her for more than 48 hours... she not only ate the couch, she tore down the entire screening of a porch.  (and when i got home, promptly ran to my bed, jumped on it and peed right in front of me!)

  She got her point across.... she was angry at me and was fearful that i had not taken her with me....   i got the message, and from that point further, i made sure i “told” her where i was going and if i could take her i would.  

My favorite memory is when it was the Christmas after i got her.  I wanted to get away.  Away from a lotta things... So i rented a house on the “outer banks” of North Carolina....

For those of you that don’t know ... it’s a 7 hour + drive...   the weather was predicting a NorEaster... but i didn’t care, i like a good storm.  

So i took the drive, with snow blasting on my windshield...  

The road to the outer banks was just about covered with snow and sand, i couldn’t see really where the road was, i just stayed in this dip/valley of where the road “should be”... for about 4 hours.  I finally made it... (had my doubts a few times).

But there she was..... tail wagging... running around my Jeep.... all this energy.

She looked just as stoked by this storm as i was.  

So we went on the beach and the waves were huge... and there she was barking at the storm, as if she could push the waves back.  Then she started to play tag with the waves... i used to do that as kid.  

The house was on the beach... so we went back... put on some music and candles all around - and watched the storm from the deck.  

The next morning was brilliant... though the road had been basically washed out by the blowing sand and some of the ocean.  

We walked for hours.... 

i’m sure she’s walking now somewhere really beautiful.

Something strange happened today, as i was writing this....

The phone rang... the number said... 000-000-0000

so i picked it up.  There was just silence, then a voice, sounded like “sorta”  a  computer, but it was a female voice....  

it just simply said.... “good-bye”.

I don’t know how... i’m not even gonna try to explain...   She died at 12.00pm - the call was at 3:00...   somehow, i just know, it was God’s way of letting her say good-bye.      Selah.

Love you my ol’girl  .... Shana/Selah.

Cathryn

John Mark McMillan - Sheet Of Night

Nice one John Mark.........

Step Up.

Watching “Grey’s Anatomy” - THANK GOD FOR NETFLIX RIGHT NOW.


For whatever reason there is comfort in it.  I’ve seen so much pain and heartache, and have been through much pain and heartache.  Even from early on, having a very traumatic childhood on matters; to working in a field that everyday, i see heartbreaking situations.  


I’ve screamed at the heavens.... asking “ARE YOU EVEN THERE- DO YOU SEE THIS STUFF.”    I’ve screamed and cried very loudly these last 2 months - too numerous to count.


20 years in health care ... professional distancing and or dissattachment can only go so far, because God made me to feel deeply.  Even my dissociation compensatory ability, due to my own trauma history, can only go so far. I understand PTSD all too well.  My soul seized and  “flat lined” on more that one occasion and i didn’t see a light at the end of that tunnel.
I have a breaking point.  We all do.


The byproduct of all of what i’ve endured, stood in the gap spaces and taken my sword out to fight............  is an incredible amount of understanding and compassion for others, as well as an incredibly low tolerance for bullshit.  Actually, i have NO tolerance for bullshit if i’m honest.  (that last comment is for an entirely different post- but one i need to write.)
.


Also being honest, it doesn’t change the impact on my soul/spirit- heart/mind.  I work best under extreme circumstances and pressure, as a result of all this and i’m good at what i do.


 But afterwards.... when i’m alone.... when i step back into my hearts skin, when the adrenalin and cortisol tide ebbs out of my veins, i cry. -  because it hurts like hell.
 It’s been said that tears release toxins from the body; the poison from what caused the pain.  I guess it’s the saline washing of the wounds.


I’m going through a lot right now, that’s no surprise to those that know me.  I’m not ok, and i’m NOT supposed to be.  I’m processing the grief and pain on every level.
My “naked dark side” has shown itself as well and that’s not pretty.  To those that have seen that aspect, (You know who you are!)    I’m sorry... and thanks for standing there and putting up with my shit, even when i’ve been drunk.  (At least i have good taste in Whisky)


While watching a Grey’s Anatomy’s episode today, my heart engaged again... i just wept.   Not because it was a dramatic TV show, but because, i’ve been there on so many levels. Standing by hospital beds watching the struggle for life as well as holding a hand as someone faced death.  I’ve said before Grief is Sneaky.  The episode ended in the following quote:


“Doesn’t matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, It changes our lives.. ... trauma messes everybody up; but maybe that’s the point.
All the pain, the fear and the crap... maybe that’s what keeps us moving forward.
It’s what PUSHES US.  Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can STEP UP."  (Episode 97- Elevator love letter)




So here’s to being messed up, moving forward and stepping up.  Jesus help... amen.